Characteristics of a Healthy, Functional Romantic Relationship
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A healthy functional intimate relationship is based on equality and respect, not power and control. Think about how you treat (and want to be treated by) someone you care about. Compare the characteristics of a healthy functional romantic relationship with those of an unhealthy dysfunctional romantic relationship.
Honesty & Accountability:
Accepting responsibility for self, acknowledging past use of violence, admitting when you are wrong,
communicating openly and honestly, keeping your word, not making excuses for your partner’s or for your
own actions. Relationship is built on truth rather than game playing.
Open Communication: 
Being able to express your feelings or opinions, knowing it is okay to disagree, saying what you mean and
meaning what you say. Communication is based on clarifying issues, specifying feelings, and working
together for mutually satisfying solutions. If one partner does something that hurts the other in any way they
take responsibility, and make needed changes in their demonstration of love for the other partner.
Negotiation & Fairness: 
Seeking mutually satisfying resolutions to conflict, being willing to find solutions that are agreeable to both
people. Acknowledging your wants & needs are just as valid as your partner’s (you don’t have to agree in
order to respect your partner and to understand differences in opinion). When differences come up, try to
see the situation from your partner’s point of view and try to work through them together (agreeing to
disagree sometimes, willing to compromise). No issue or problem is more important than the relationship –
“winning the argument” is seen as harming the relationship.
Economic Partnership: 
Making money decisions together, making sure both partners benefit from financial arrangements, sharing
dating expenses, accepting both partners need to hold a job.
Shared Responsibility: 
Making decisions together, splitting or alternating costs on dates. Being mindful of the other person’s needs
as well as your own - doing things for each other, going places you both enjoy, giving as much as you receive.
Shared Power: 
In general, each person has an equal say in the relationship, although at time, one person may have greater
say because of more information or experience in an area. Each is mindful of the other’s needs and wants
(as well as your own). The individuals view themselves as part of a couple that brings each person more
happiness & allows each to be stronger.
Respect:
 Each person is valued for who they are and what they bring to the relationship. Treat the other person as if he/she is of value. Find ways to appreciate them for who they are. Differences in thoughts, feelings, values, etc. are accepted and respected. Accept your partner for who they are. Do not demand that the other person change to meet all your expectations. Paying attention to your partner, valuing your partner’s opinion even if it differs from yours, listening to what your partner has to say, listening to her nonjudgmentally, being emotionally affirming & understanding. Violence is not used by either partner.
Trust & Support: Being supportive, wanting the best for your partner, knowing your partner likes you, being able to rely on
your partner, offering encouragement when necessary, being okay with your partner having different friends.
The couple feels secure sharing private aspects of each other’s thoughts & feelings - since couple feels
secure there is no jealousy or possessiveness. Individuals can let their barriers down and allow the other
person to see their perceived weaknesses, without fear of negative reactions from them. Individuals are able
to be open to what the other person is feeling.
Non-Threatening Behavior: 
Talking and acting so that each person feels safe & comfortable expressing her/himself and doing things
Intimacy:
Respecting your partner’s boundaries, respecting each other’s privacy, not pressuring your partner, being
faithful.
Physical Affection: 
Holding hands, hugging, kissing, sitting with your arm on your partner’s shoulder. Respecting each other’s
right to say no, asking before acting.
Personal Integrity: 
Partners are able to maintain beliefs and sense of self as well as offer time & attention to the relationship.
Partners have some independence & privacy and care about each other’s quality of life. Working on a
relationship always begins with working on ourselves; take responsibility for our behavior (be accountable).

Basic Steps to Maintaining a Good, Healthy Relationship
• Be aware of what you and your partner want for yourselves and what you want from the relationship.
• Let one another know what your needs are & be able to communicate them assertively. You aren’t psychic & neither is he/she.
• Realize that your partner will not be able to meet all of your needs - some needs will be met outside of the relationship.
• Do not demand that a partner change to meet all your expectations. Work to accept differences that you see between your
ideal (how you would like things to be) & the reality (how they really are).
• Expect conflict - be willing to negotiate & compromise on the things you want from one another.
• Perspective-taking & empathy - try to see things from the other’s point of view and to accept them. You don’t have to agree to
respect and understand differences.
• Realize that healthy relationships take continual work and effort to maintain. When differences come up, try to negotiate

How to End “the Silent Treatment”

THE CHALLENGE

How do two people who have vowed to love each other get to the point where they refuse to talk for hours—or even days? ‘At least we stopped fighting,’ they tell themselves. Still, the issue has not been resolved, and they both feel uncomfortable.

WHY IT HAPPENS

Retaliation. Some spouses use silence as a form of revenge. For example, suppose a husband makes weekend plans without consulting his wife. When she finds out, she is angry and calls him inconsiderate. He responds by calling her oversensitive. The wife storms off and stews in silence. In effect, she is saying, “You hurt me, so I am going to hurt you back.”

Manipulation. Some use the silent treatment as a means to get what they want. For example, imagine that a husband and wife plan a trip and the wife would like to take her parents along. The husband objects. “You’re married to me, not to your parents,” he says. He then gives his wife the silent treatment, shunning her in the hope that she will break down and concede to his wishes.

Of course, a temporary time-out can give a couple the opportunity to let emotions cool when an argument is getting out of hand. That type of silence can`t be beneficial. The Bible says that there is “a time to keep quiet.” (Ecclesiastes 3:7) But when it is used as a means to retaliate or manipulate, the silent treatment not only prolongs conflict but also erodes the respect the couple have for each other. How can you prevent that from happening to you?

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 WHAT YOU CAN DO

The first step to ending the silent treatment is to recognize it for what it is—a tactic that, at best, works only short-term. True, not talking may quench your thirst for retaliation or compel your spouse to give in to your wishes. But is that really how you want to treat someone whom you have vowed to love? There are better ways to resolve conflicts.

Be discerning. The Bible says that love “does not become provoked.” (1 Corinthians 13:4, 5) So don’t overreact to such emotionally charged statements as “You never listen” or “You are always late.” Instead, discern the intent behind the words. For instance, “You never listen” might really mean “I feel as if you don’t take my viewpoint seriously.”—Bible principle: Proverbs 14:29.

Think of your spouse as your teammate rather than an opponent

Lower your voice. Arguments tend to escalate as they continue. On the other hand, you can change the direction of a heated discussion. How? The book Fighting for Your Marriage says: “Softening your tone and acknowledging your partner’s point of view are potent tools you can employ to diffuse tension and end escalation. Often that’s all it takes.”—Bible principle: Proverbs 26:20.

Think of “we” instead of “me.” The Bible says: “Let each one keep seeking, not his own advantage, but that of the other person.” (1 Corinthians 10:24) If you think of your spouse as your teammate rather than your opponent, you will be less likely to take offense, argue, and then refuse to talk to your spouse.—Bible principle:Ecclesiastes 7:9.

The silent treatment runs counter to the Bible’s admonition: “Let each one of you individually so love his wife as he does himself; on the other hand, the wife should have deep respect for her husband.” (Ephesians 5:33) Why not make an agreement with your spouse that the silent treatment is unacceptable in your marriage?

The Beginning Stages

While the early months of a relationship can feel effortless and exciting, successful long-term relationships involve ongoing effort and compromise by both partners. Building healthy patterns early in your relationship can establish a solid foundation for the long run. When you are just starting a relationship, it is important to:

Build. Build a foundation of appreciation and respect. Focus on all the considerate things your partner says and does. Happy couples make a point of noticing even small opportunities to say "thank you" to their partner, rather than focusing on mistakes their partner has made. Explore. Explore each other's interests so that you have a long list of things to enjoy together. Try new things together to expand mutual interests. Establish. Establish a pattern of apologizing if you make a mistake or hurt your partner's feelings. Saying "I'm sorry" may be hard in the moment, but it goes a long way towards healing a rift in a relationship. Your partner will trust you more if he or she knows that you will take responsibility for your words and actions.

As the Months Go By: Important Things to Recognize as Your Relationship Grows

Relationships Change. Changes in life outside your relationship will impact what you want and need from the relationship. Since change is inevitable, welcoming it as an opportunity to enhance the relationship is more fruitful than trying to keep it from happening. Check in Periodically. Occasionally set aside time to check in with each other on changing expectations and goals. If a couple ignores difficult topics for too long, their relationship is likely to drift into rocky waters without their noticing. What to Do When Conflict Arises

Disagreements in a relationship are not only normal but, if constructively resolved, actually strengthen the relationship. It is inevitable that there will be times of sadness, tension, or outright anger between you and your partner. The source of these problems may lie in unrealistic/unreasonable demands, unexplored expectations, or unresolved issues/behaviors in one partner or in the relationship. Resolving conflicts requires honesty, a willingness to consider your partner's perspective even if you don't fully understand it, and lots of communication. Healthy communication is critical, especially when there are important decisions regarding sex, career, marriage, and family to be made. The following are some guidelines for successful communication and conflict resolution.

Understand Each Others' Family Patterns. Find out how conflicts were managed (or not managed) in your partner's family, and talk about how conflict was approached (or avoided) in your own family. It is not unusual for couples to discover that their families had different ways of expressing anger and resolving differences. If your family wasn't good at communicating or resolving conflict constructively, give yourself permission to try out some new ways of handling conflict. Timing Counts. Contrary to previous notions, the best time to resolve a conflict may not be immediately. It is not unusual for one or both partners to need some time to cool off. This "time-out' period can help you avoid saying or doing hurtful things in the heat of the moment, and can help partners more clearly identify what changes are most important. Remember - if you are angry with your partner but don't know what you want yet, it will be nearly impossible for your partner to figure it out! Establish an Atmosphere of Emotional Support. Emotional support involves accepting your partner's differences and not insisting that he or she meet your needs only in the precise way that you want them met. Find out how your partner shows his or her love for you, and don't set absolute criteria that require your partner to always behave differently before you're satisfied. Agree to Disagree and Move On. Most couples will encounter some issues upon which they will never completely agree. Rather than continuing a cycle of repeated fights, agree to disagree and negotiate a compromise or find a way to work around the issue. Distinguish between things you want versus things you need from your partner. For example, for safety reasons, you might need your partner to remember to pick you up on time after dark. But calling you several times a day may really only be a "want." Clarify Your Messages. A clear message involves a respectful but direct expression of your wants and needs. Take some time to identify what you really want before talking to your partner. Work on being able to describe your request in clear, observable terms. For example, you might say, "I would like you to hold my hand more often" rather than the vague, "I wish you were more affectionate." Discuss One Thing at a Time. It can be tempting to list your concerns or grievances, but doing so will likely prolong an argument. Do your best to keep the focus on resolving one concern at a time. Really Listen. Being a good listener requires the following: (a) don't interrupt, (b) focus on what your partner is saying rather than on formulating your own response, and (c) check out what you heard your partner say. You might start this process with: "I think you are saying..." Or "what I understood you to say was..." This step alone can prevent misunderstandings that might otherwise develop into a fight. Restrain Yourself. Research has found that couples who "edit" themselves and do not say all the angry things they may be thinking are typically the happiest. Adopt a "Win-Win" Position. A "win-win" stance means that your goal is for the relationship, rather than for either partner, to "win" in a conflict situation. Ask yourself: "Is what I am about to say (or do) going to increase or decrease the odds that we'll work this problem out?"

Healthy and Problematic Expectations in Relationships

Each of us enters into romantic relationships with ideas about what we want based on family relationships, what we've seen in the media, and our own past relationship experiences. Holding on to unrealistic expectations can cause a relationship to be unsatisfying and to eventually fail. The following will help you to distinguish between healthy and problematic relationship expectations: Respect Changes. What you want from a relationship in the early months of dating may be quite different from what you want after you have been together for some time. Anticipate that both you and your partner will change over time. Feelings of love and passion change with time, as well. Respecting and valuing these changes is healthy. Love literally changes brain chemistry for the first months of a relationship. For both physiological and emotional reasons, an established relationship will have a more complex and often richer type of passion than a new relationship. Accept Differences. It is difficult, but healthy, to accept that there are some things about our partners that will not change over time, no matter how much we want them to. Unfortunately, there is often an expectation that our partner will change only in the ways we want. We may also hold the unrealistic expectation that our partner will never change from the way he or she is now. Express Wants and Needs. While it is easy to assume that your partner knows your wants and needs, this is often not the case and can be the source of much stress in relationships. A healthier approach is to directly express our needs and wishes to our partner. Respect Your Partner's Rights. In healthy relationships, there is respect for each partner's right to have her/his own feelings, friends, activities, and opinions. It is unrealistic to expect or demand that that he or she have the same priorities, goals, and interests as you. Be Prepared to "Fight Fair." Couples who view conflict as a threat to the relationship, and something to be avoided at all costs, often find that accumulated and unaddressed conflicts are the real threat. Healthy couples fight, but they "fight fair" - accepting responsibility for their part in a problem, admitting when they are wrong, and seeking compromise. Additional information about fair fighting can be found here. Maintain the Relationship. Most of us know that keeping a vehicle moving in the desired direction requires not only regular refueling, but also ongoing maintenance and active corrections to the steering to compensate for changes in the road. A similar situation applies to continuing relationships. While we may work hard to get the relationship started, expecting to cruise without effort or active maintenance typically leads the relationship to stall or crash! Though gifts and getaways are important, it is often the small, nonmaterial things that partners routinely do for each other that keep the relationship satisfying.

Outside Pressures on the Relationship

Differences in Background. Even partners coming from very similar cultural, religious, or economic backgrounds can benefit from discussing their expectations of how a good boyfriend, girlfriend, or spouse behaves. What seems obvious or normal to you may surprise your partner, and vice versa. If you are from different backgrounds, be aware that you may need to spend more time and energy to build your relationship. Take the time to learn about your partner's culture or religion, being careful to check out what parts of such information actually fit for your partner. Time Together and Apart. How much time you spend together and apart is a common relationship concern. If you interpret your partner's time apart from you as, "he or she doesn't care for me as much as I care for him or her," you may be headed for trouble by jumping to conclusions. Check out with your partner what time alone means to him or her, and share your feelings about what you need from the relationship in terms of time together. Demanding what you want, regardless of your partner's needs, usually ends up driving your partner away, so work on reaching a compromise. Your Partner's Family. For many students, families remain an important source of emotional, if not financial, support during their years at the university. Some people find dealing with their partner's family difficult or frustrating. It can help to take a step back and think about parental good intentions. Families may offer well-intentioned advice about your relationship or your partner. It's important that the two of you discuss and agree on how you want to respond to differing family values and support one another in the face of what can be very intense "suggestions" from family. Friends. There are some people who seem to believe that "I have to give up all my friends unless my partner likes them as much as I do." Giving up friends is not healthy for you or the relationship, except in circumstances where your friends pressure you to participate in activities that are damaging to yourself and the relationship. At the same time, keep in mind that your partner may not enjoy your friends as much as you do. Negotiate which friends you and your partner spend time with together. You might ask: "Which of my friends do you enjoy seeing and which ones would you rather I see alone or at other times when I'm not with you?"

Eight Basic Steps to Maintaining a Good Relationship

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Be aware of what you and your partner want for yourselves and what you want from the relationship. Let one another know what your needs are. Realize that your partner will not be able to meet all your needs. Some of these needs will have to be met outside of the relationship. Be willing to negotiate and compromise on the things you want from one another. Do not demand that a partner change to meet all your expectations. Work to accept the differences between your ideal mate and the real person you are dating. Try to see things from the other's point of view. This doesn't mean that you must agree with one another all the time, but rather that both of you can understand and respect each other's differences, points of view, and separate needs. Where critical differences do exist in your expectations, needs, or opinions, try to work honestly and sincerely to negotiate. Seek professional help early rather than waiting until the situation becomes critical. Do your best to treat your partner in a way that says, "I love you and trust you, and I want to work this out."

Communication Mistakes Between Men and Women

 

 

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A challenge in all marriages is for the husband and wife to communicate properly with each other.

 Here are some common mistakes that a wife makes and what the husband thinks in response:

Mistakes a Wife May Make	What Her Husband Thinks
She offers advice when he does not ask for it.	She does not trust me.
She tries to control him through showing her feelings	She does not accept me.
She complains about what he has not done.	She does not appreciate the things I do.
She corrects and instructs him.	She does not admire me.
She accuses indirectly, "How could you do that?"	She does not think I am a good person.
She criticizes his decisions or actions.	She does not love me or believe in me, because she does not encourage me.

Communication Mistakes Men often Make.

Here are some common mistakes that a husband makes and what the wife thinks in response:

Mistakes a Husband May Make	What His Wife Thinks
He does not pay attention or ask questions to show interest.	He does not care.
He gives advice and solutions.	He does not care.
He gives advice and solutions.	He does not understand.
He listens, but gets angry and blames her for making him feel upset.	He does not respect my feelings.
He is not sensitive to her feelings and needs.	He does not love me.
When she is upset, he explains why he is right and why she should not feel as she does	He does not support me.
After listening, he says nothing or walks away.	I am not secure with him.

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The Three Stages of Growth in Marriage

 

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The Bible tells us, "By wisdom a house is built, and through understanding it is established"(Prov. 24:3). In other words, God wants you to be wise and understand how to build your marriage and family.

The wise couple will understand that there are common stages in a marriage. Many marriages fail because of ignorance. People enter marriage but do not know how to succeed in it for life. Many believe that the emotion of romantic love will carry them through life. They do not realize that difficult times come to any marriage. After only a few weeks of marriage, some people say, "He (or she) has changed; this is not the person I married. I have no idea what went wrong!" Most of the time this occurs because people who were marrying did not really know each other. They did not want to see faults in each other, or they did not count the cost. Before marriage, people learn to please themselves or their families. But when two people marry, they must learn to please each other. The Bible tells us to "Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ" (Eph. 5:21). Many times, married people refuse to learn to submit to each other. But a husband and wife should become closer through the three stages of growth in marriage.

Stage One:  Get to know your spouse.

Often a new marriage is full of energy, innocence, and surprises. The early months of marriage are a time to learn about each other. Five sentences describe a couple during this first stage of marriage:

• They are attracted to each other. Their attention is focused on each other. The couple spends much time thinking about each other. They forget other things and walk around smiling about the one they have married.
• They see only the best in each other. In the first stage of marriage, people tend to think of their partner on a high level. Solomon wrote: "How beautiful you are, my darling! Oh, how beautiful! Your eyes behind your veil are doves" (Song of Songs 4:1). During these early days, married partners praise and admire each other. Each is perfect in the other's eyes.
• They submit to each other. At first, new couples give in to each other and give up their rights. They submit to each other to have harmony. They are tender with each other and like to be together. They care about each other's needs.
• They enjoy each other. Early in marriage the partners are very happy. They have a feeling of well-being. Everything seems great and they are encouraged.  Solomon writes from this point of view throughout the Song of Songs. He feels all the emotion of Stage One: joy, happiness, and excitement. But there is one more sentence that describes this stage.
• They ignore the faults of each other. The fact is, at the beginning of a marriage, you really do not know the other person. You are in love with an ideal of him or her. You do not know what your spouse is really like, and you do not know your future. In those early months, couples tend to ignore differences and overlook faults. They put odd things aside. Often, zthey ignore major problems.

This first stage of marriage does not last, because it cannot last. Sooner or later, couples become aware of differences and faults. They have different personalities, different *temperaments, and different responsibilities. The *honeymoon (first period of enthusiasm) will end, and they must go back to work. When this stage passes, we come to Stage Two.

Stage Two:  Understanding and growing through differences.

The man who wrote Song of Songs also wrote Proverbs 27. In Song of Songs, Solomon was saying, "You are perfect! You are flawless. There is nothing wrong with you. Marriage is great! I am in love!" After a time, Solomon says this about his wife: "A quarrelsome wife is like a constant dripping on a rainy day; restraining her is like restraining the wind or grasping oil with the hand" (Prov. 27:15-16).

What happened? It sounds like his joy in marriage and his joy about his wife disappeared. During this stage, delight can turn to confusion, bitterness, and tension. Here are five descriptions about what can happen to the husband and wife in Stage Two.

• They become dull. Routine and boredom become part of the couple's life. Most excitement is gone. There is some loss of interest and some change in feelings.  People do not care much about the way they look, because they cannot look perfect all the time. The honeymoon (first stage) is over, and now the partners begin to realize that marriage is like life; some days are wonderful, but many are slow, dull, routine, or even boring.
• They argue. The couple begins to quarrel over their differences. They no longer give up and give in. Strife enters the marriage.
• They defend themselves. The partners start protecting themselves. They are not as open and trusting as they were. They do not want the other to accuse them of their faults. They start protecting themselves. They excuse themselves and accuse their mate. Resentment and bitterness can build up. They can become defensive and unwilling to admit faults or to mature.
• They criticize each other. In the first stage, husbands, like Solomon, say, "Everything she does is right!" And "She is perfect!" Now, very little seems right. What a change in attitude. The wife says, "I do not respect him anymore." Respect moves out and criticism moves in.
• They become disappointed. The couple's dreams are not coming true. Sometimes people have said, "I feel trapped," or "I would rather be single again than be married to this selfish person." Others have said, "I am not happy, and I know God wants me happy, so I should get a divorce." They are disappointed. Many couples give up at this stage and seek divorce. Some make the mistake of trying to find feelings of love with another person. This unfaithfulness often destroys their marriage. Others become stuck in this stage of discouragement. They do not make the effort to work through this stage and understand their spouse. Because of these five reactions, many never know how wonderful marriage can be. They do not cross over the valley of disappointment to the mountain of mature love.

Stage Three:  Mature love.

Stage Three is described in 1 Corinthians 13, the "Love Chapter."  "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails (1 Cor. 13:4-8).

In Stage Three, we see mature love. This is not just romantic feelings. Mature love is a decision to do the right thing, say the right thing, and be the right person. Let us look at seven characteristics of mature love.

1. Mature love is tender. Every marriage needs tenderness. We must be gentle and not judge each other. We must be careful with each other's feelings. We must be tender and avoid embarrassing our spouse. We realize that we are on the same team and we refuse to criticize or destroy each other.

2. Mature love is responsible. We each fulfill our duty to build a good marriage.  We are responsible to love, provide, protect, and nurture our spouse and our children.  We must love and act responsibly to God first, then our spouse, and our children.  We meet the needs of our loved ones even when it means personal sacrifice.

3. Mature love is accepting. We will never be alike and that is good. God created every husband and wife unique. We know we have different personalities and temperaments, different faults, and we still find a way to accept the one we married.

As a wise man said, "Before marriage, keep both eyes open, but after marriage, close one."  This means that we learn to see our spouse as he or she truly is but, we choose then to overlook certain faults.  Not every fault is worth a fight!  Instead, we must "Accept one another,then, just as Christ accepted you, in order to bring praise to God"(Rom. 15:7).

4. Mature love is secure. Mature love offers security that says, "No matter what happens, we will make it together." Both spouses must feel that they will remain faithful if they lose a job, lose health, or fail to reach their goals. This commitment brings security to both husband and wife. It also brings a deep sense of security to the children. The children need to know that during difficult times their parents will do whatever it takes to make the marriage succeed.

5. Mature love is truthful. Mature love is truthful. "Love … rejoices with the truth" (1 Cor. 13:6). As couples, we must be honest with each other and able to say what we feel. We must be truthful and tender to one another. The Bible calls this "speaking the truth in love" (Eph. 4:15).

The Bible instructs believers to "confess your sins to each other and pray for eachother so that you may be healed"(James 5:16). There are many couples that need their relationship to be healed because their relationship is weak. Many husbands and wives need to confess their sins (faults) to each other and pray for each other.  Their relationship be healed through confession and prayer.

Married couples must be willing to reveal their thoughts by honest communication. Mature love says, "This is where I am hurting." Or, "This is what I do not like." "This is what I need. What do you need?" "What is hurting you?" We need to stop hiding our feelings and opinions and be honest with each other.

6. Mature love is humble. Some people want the marriage relationship to focus only on their needs and feelings.  Some people sulk, pout, and brood. If a husband or wife refuses to talk, then their relationship will be weak. Some people threaten to walk out. Others use sarcasm and ridicule to attack loved ones. Some people like to blame their spouse. If we waste time and energy trying to find out who is at fault, we cannot fix the problem. Some people are always trying to change their partner. These actions are a form of pride and judgment and they will hurt a marriage.

In contrast, mature love is humble. Mature love puts the needs and feelings of others about everything else.  Mature love learns to walk away from actions that reveal the pride of the flesh.  It refuses to return negative thoughts and actions but instead chooses to act in a manner that honors Jesus Christ.

7. Mature love is willing to grow. If our marriage is mature, we have made the decision to act like adults instead of children. Mature love does not act selfishly or childish but instead chooses to act like Jesus Christ at all times.  Mature love will seek to grow the marriage relationship as each spouse seeks to become a better follow of Christ, a better spouse, and a better parent.

RESPECT, And What It Does For Your Relationships

RESPECT, And What It Does For Your Relationships

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RESPECT is a vital ingredient for any successful relationship and is particularly important for the creation of a happy, healthy and satisfying marriage, de-facto relationship or, in fact, for ANY relationship.

Respecting your partner means acknowledging and accepting them as an individual with their own thoughts, feelings, beliefs, values, strengths and frailties, all of which may be very different from yours. Respecting your partner does not necessarily mean agreeing with their beliefs and values. It does mean, however, recognising those things as belonging to them and as being an important part of what makes them an unique individual.

It's essential to acknowledge these aspects as valid even if we fail to understand them. We must not belittle them, should never make fun of them and resist any urges we may have to punish our partner for them. This, by the way does not mean that we should never challenge our partner’s attitudes or behaviour if it negatively impacts on us. However, for this kind of challenge to be effective it needs to be made in a respectful manner that separates our partner’s actions from who they are as a person and to do so in a way that leaves their dignity intact.

For a love relationship to thrive respect needs to be mutual. Being treated with respect is vital to a person's internal well-being. Respect tells us that we are a valuable and worthwhile. It increases our self-esteem and fulfills our need for relational security. Mutual respect is also essential to effective conflict resolution, which is a particularly important aspect in blended families.

To illustrate this point, let’s look the following scenario:

Sandy’s partner Tom believes that in order to retain a good relationship with his children from his first marriage he best let them to do as they please. After all, they only visit every second weekend and only spend one week-night at Sandy and Tom’s house. Sandy strongly disagrees with Tom’s views and feels that by not creating any limits for his children he is not only doing them a disservice but is also demonstrating a lack of consideration and love for her.

Sandy and Tom have had many heated arguments about this issue. They’ve had angry confrontations during which they’ve called each other hurtful names. Doors have been slammed, tears have been shed and a variety of ‘punishments’ have followed these run-ins from Sandy giving Tom the cold-shoulder treatment to Tom refusing to come home until the early hours of the morning. Despite the fact that Sandy and Tom love each other dearly they often are miserable and plain
unhappy.

How could this be changed in an atmosphere of mutual respect?

Sandy would acknowledge that whilst she definitely disagrees with Tom’s view on how to deal with his children she accepts there is a reason for which he has this view that, no doubt, makes sense to him. The moment she demonstrates this kind of respect for him Tom no longer needs his wall of defence. In the safety of knowing that he won’t be ‘attacked’ for his view, he can now explore the whys and wherefores of the belief he holds regarding his children. Doing this
without his defences in place there is a good chance that he recognizes, and is even able to admit, that his views are based on fear and are neither wise nor helpful to his relationship with his children or with Sandy. Recognition leads to understanding. Understanding leads to acknowledgement. Acknowledgement opens the door to change. Alternatively, Tom could ask Sandy why she feels so strongly about this issue and why she interprets it as a lack of consideration and love for her. If this is asked in the spirit of ‘I really want to understand what’s going on for you’ Sandy is able to verbalise her thoughts and feelings with honesty and without getting too fired up in the process. She is able to tell him how she sees his unwillingness to place limitations on his children impacting their sense of safety, security and emotional health; how this is making any weekend planning impossible; how frustrated and powerless she feels when he gives the children permission to do as they please whilst in their home; how it feels as though she has no rights and, in fact, has no place in her own home whilst the children are there. In an atmosphere of mutual respect these comments are made without acrimony and are received without the walls of defence going up. Tom accepts that Sandy’s feelings are valid and that in order to retain their relationship he will need to make some changes.

Can you see the importance of mutual respect as a foundation block for your relationship? If you can and feel that this is not yet in place or perhaps isn't not strong enough to withstand the stresses and strains of everyday life, it's vital that you make the all-important decision to, together with your partner, work on this issue. It is never too late to implement new ways of relating and it is the kind of investment in your future that will pay rich dividends.

COMMITMENT - a cornerstone for YOUR relationship

COMMITMENT - a cornerstone for YOUR relationship

The Oxford Dictionary states that COMMITMENT means an engagement or obligation that restricts freedom of action. Translated into practical terms this looks as follows: 

• If I am committed to truth I choose not to exercise the freedom to lie. 
• If I am committed to a healthy lifestyle I make a choice to forgo the freedom of eating pizza every night of the week, drinking excessive amounts of alcohol or eating huge slices of chocolate cake. 
• If I am committed to fitness I ignore the freedom to snuggle up in my warm bed rather than go for a chilly morning run. 

So, how does this work in the relationship realm?

When I commit to my partner - at the point of marriage or other binding partnership agreement - I make a conscious choice to say “NO” to any other love relationship. I choose not to look over the fence where the grass might appear greener. I decide to deal with difficult partnership issues when they arise rather than letting them build up to explosion point, or worse, to the point where I can no longer stand the sight of my partner. I share my concerns with my partner rather than taking them to my friend of the opposite sex who may appear to understand all my woes. I don’t entertain thoughts of how uncomplicated, wonderful and easy my life would be in another relationship….perhaps with soandsowho is super sexy or suchandsuch who is a real SNAG (sensitive new age guy). Instead, I remind myself of the fact - when temptation strikes - that I have made a binding agreement that restricts my freedom to take any action that would irreparably damage the relationship with my partner.

I can just hear some of you think: ‘That’s easy for you to say….you aren’t married to MY husband!’ or ‘You have no idea how hard it is…you don’t live in my circumstances!’ And you are right. I don’t know what it is like in YOUR shoes. But I have, for 29 years, remained in a marriage that has had its own share of ups and downs as those of you who’ve read my book would know. So, let me assure you that I know it isn’t easy but I also know that it can be done.

I would point out, however, that in order for a couple’s relationship to work, grow and thrive a similar level of commitment MUST be present in both partners. I also want to make it very clear that I do not endorse anyone remaining in a marriage, de-facto relationship or any other partnership that is abusive or a total nightmare.

Commitment in a couple’s relationship means: 

Till death do us part, through sickness and in health, for richer and for poorer we choose to work together in making our marriage the best it can be; we deal with issues as they arise; we talk about our concerns, worries and grievances with one-another; we move closer together when the going gets tough; we give each other respect and honour even when we don’t particularly feel like it. Commitment means that I support my partner (without expecting anything in return) when he or she is in need of special attention and that I can rely on him or her to support me in a similar way when it is my turn to need some extra help. When the grass looks greener on the other side of the fence I ensure that I make an extra effort to nurture the grass on my side so that it will be more luscious than any other.

Finally, let me say that without commitment you have nothing. Without commitment your relationship house is built on sand and will NEVER withstand the many challenges life has in store for you.www.divinemarriage.blogspot.com

Investing in Your Marriagewww.divinemarriage.blogspot.com

All marriages, no matter how good, can be made better. A good marriage has some basic qualities. Both partners are totally committed to the relationship and are willing to invest time and energy. They communicate effectively with each other and know how to resolve their differences. And they have learned to be flexible. There is no right way to be married; many kinds of partnerships can work out great. However, there is a wrong way to be married—by not investing in the relationship.

Marriage Q & A's

Q: If my relationship doesn't come easily, does that mean I'm with the wrong partner?

A: Many people think a relationship is only good if it comes easily. In fact, most good relationships require a lot of work. It takes a daily investment of time, communication, and being there when your partner needs you to have a great marriage.

Think Twice

Don't get lazy about your relationship. If you stopped investing in your savings account, you wouldn't be very surprised when you had very little money in it. Relationships need a regular investment of time and effort to grow as well.

If you consulted a good financial planner about investing in your future, here's what he or she would tell you: Invest money regularly. The types of financial investments you make will change at different times in your life. When you are younger, you might have more money invested in riskier growth stocks. As you reach retirement age, you might switch your assets to more secure investments. How you invest will change with your life circumstances, but you must continually invest in some way in order to ensure a secure financial future.

These same principles hold true in marriage. Both partners must invest regularly in the relationship to make it flourish. There might be times when it's easy to have a great partnership (like when the stock market is soaring and you're making money without even trying). And there will be times when, even though you are putting forth a lot of effort, things feel like they're going downhill (like when the stock market dips). But hanging in for the long haul will virtually guarantee success.

To get you started on the way to getting your partnership right, let's address how to avoid doing things wrong. Below are the 10 most common myths about being a good partner.

MYTH #1: A good partner always puts his or her spouse's needs first.

TRUTH: If you always put your needs last, you will become frustrated and possibly resentful of your partner, which will hurt your marriage. You need to put the partnership first, which includes both of your needs.

MYTH #2: A good partner does not express anger when he or she is upset.

TRUTH: Learning to express yourself when you are upset is a skill that is crucial to good communication in a marriage. There is no reason to be dramatic or to raise your voice. After counting to 10 to relieve your immediate anger, try to tell your partner exactly what is bothering you as nicely and calmly as you can manage.

MYTH #3: A good partner always agrees with his or her spouse.

TRUTH: It is always important to listen to your spouse, but that does not mean you will always agree with each other. Compromising and agreeing to disagree will relieve a lot of stress.

MYTH #4: A good partner assumes that nothing will change in his or her relationship.

TRUTH: A marriage is constantly growing and changing. Throughout your lives, there will always be new joys and new challenges. A good partnership will accommodate these changes.

MYTH #5: A good partner can always anticipate his or her spouse's needs.

TRUTH: You do not need to be a mind reader to have a good marriage. You need to get into the habit of telling each other what your needs are.

MYTH #6: A good partner doesn't put too many expectations on his or her spouse.

TRUTH: It is fine to expect things from your spouse. When your spouse has an opportunity to do something for you, it will strengthen your marriage bonds.

MYTH #7: A good partner doesn't need to put a lot of effort into a good marriage.

TRUTH: The more effort you put into your marriage, the happier you both will be!

MYTH #8: A good partner is always willing to forgo what he or she wants.

TRUTH: The secret is to compromise: Sometimes one partner forgoes what he or she wants; sometimes the other does.

MYTH #9: A good partner always takes care of his or her own needs independently.

TRUTH: It is important to understand your own needs and to learn to express them to your spouse. A partnership involves helping to fulfill each other's needs, not just your own.

MYTH #10: A good partner puts all of his or her energy into making his or her spouse happy.

TRUTH: You cannot have a good marriage unless both of you are generally happy. You each need to put energy into making both yourself and your spouse happy.

You can make your marriage great if you are willing to invest regularly in the relationship. As you are reading this book, keep in mind that a GREAT marriage depends on good communication, real partnership, effort, adaptability, and total commitment.