10 Ways to Perk Up Your Relationship

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1: Be grateful.

Remembering to thank your partner seems simple, but gratitude may provide the everyday dose of spackle that keeps you glued together over the long haul. "Gratitude helps remind us of the good qualities in our partners," says Sara Algoe, a psychologist at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill. "It reminds people to attend to the others in their lives."
In a study of cohabitating couples, on days that one partner expressed more gratitude, the other felt more satisfied with the relationship. "We get into these routines and start taking our partners for granted," says Algoe. "But gratitude can work as a booster shot, injecting positive emotion into the relationship."
A low-quality expression of gratitude focuses on the object—"Thank you for cooking dinner, I was really hungry," explains Fredrickson. It's much better to focus on the other person: "You're such a great cook; it's so thoughtful of you to cook for me!"
"A lot of people express their appreciation in self-absorbed ways," Fredrickson says. "But when the expression of gratitude focuses on the other person, we find the other person walks around feeling better about themselves—and six months later, the relationship is stronger."

2: Poke fun at each other.

Playfulness is one of the first casualties of a busy life, says Dacher Keltner. When your life consists of nothing but working, paying bills, cleaning, and sleep, play can disappear from a relationship. "You have to keep it alive by having fun, joking around, using silly nicknames," he suggests.
You may think sincere communication is the way to handle a serious issue. But Keltner has found that couples who teased each other in the heat of a conflict felt more connected after the fact. When he staged a conflict discussion in his lab and compared couples who communicated in a direct, logical way with those who made light of the conflict, he found that couples who tease are happier and reach more peaceful resolutions.
That's because couples who can tease can use that modality to handle the tough stuff in a relationship. Even silly nicknames help turn conflicts into peaceful exchanges, Keltner says, by reminding couples to smile at each other's quirks. So if you're annoyed by a partner's long-standing habit—say, stealing the covers in the middle of the night—try teasing. Calling your partner the Blanket Monster might take the edge off your irritation while reminding your partner to share. Remember to tease in a way that's playful, not hostile; use nonverbal cues that convey you're having fun, like a silly facial expression or a change in tone.

3: Capitalize on good news.

We expect our partners to provide us with a shoulder to cry on when times are tough—but how couples behave during good times might be even more important. Partners who respond enthusiastically to each other's successes—asking questions, paying compliments, and cheering each other on—report greater relationship satisfaction over time, says Shelly Gable, a researcher at the University of California, Santa Barbara. A couple's ability to "capitalize"—that is, to celebrate each other's positive events—predicts satisfaction better than their commiseration over negative events.
When something good happens to your partner—a promotion, a compliment from a coworker, or even just a witticism that gets a big laugh—seize the opportunity to make the most of it. You don't need a major event as an excuse to break out the good china.

4: Use your illusions.

We may think putting our mates on a pedestal is unrealistic—but in fact, partners who idealize each other wind up happier. Partners in the most satisfied couples rate their mates more positively than the mates rate themselves, finds Sandra Murray, a psychologist at the University at Buffalo (SUNY) who studies positive illusions.
Similarly, when spouses perceived their partners as being nicer than their actual behavior warranted, they maintained greater long-term satisfaction than spouses who did not idealize each other as much, according to research by Paul Miller, Sylvia Niehuis, and Ted Huston at the University of Texas, Austin.
So if you value your clear-eyed judgment of others, including your partner, it may be time to ease up a little and concentrate on what you like about your mate. Looking through a soft-focus lens might help you build a genuinely rosier picture over time.

5: Find your ideal self—in your partner.

happy couples bring out the best in each other. But when partners more closely resemble each other's ideal selves, couples fare better—above and beyond the benefit to the relationship afforded by how similar you are in actuality, says Caryl Rusbult, a psychologist at the Free University of Amsterdam.
Someone who describes her ideal self as physically fit, for instance, might be happy being with a disciplined athlete; someone who longs to be more creative might thrive with an artistic partner. Rusbult calls this the "Michelangelo effect," since partners can help "sculpt" each other's best selves by affirming each other's efforts at self-improvement. The aspiring fitness buff, for example, appreciates her athletic partner's reminders to work out.
So try listing your personal goals. Then think about the qualities you like most in your partner. Chances are, there's overlap between the self you aspire to and the aspects of your partner you appreciate most. Then recruit your partner to help you improve in the domains that matter to you. You'll not only get closer to your ideal self—you'll also feel closer to your partner.

6: Notice what's new about your partner.

Letting your partner surprise you is vital to sustaining excitement in your relationship. But in order to be surprised, you first have to pay attention.
The problem is that most of us get so familiar with our partners, we stop really noticing them. "But the fact that you stopped looking doesn't mean they've stopped changing," says Harvard psychologist Ellen Langer. It's only the illusion of stability, Langer says, that leads us to conclude our partners are fixed, static entities.
"You feel like you've captured who this is in your mind, so you hold them still," says Langer. "But they're actually growing and changing all the time. Once we think we know another person so well that we don't pay attention to them anymore, the person stops being seen."
So take the time to actively notice differences: Look for five things that are different from the last time you looked. These differences can be as simple as a new necktie and as profound as a shift in spiritual beliefs. Taking the time to notice—what she calls "mindful awareness"—increases our engagement with our partner.
When non-football-fans watch a game while writing down new things they notice about the players and the stadium, they become more enthusiastic about the sport, Langer found. "You develop a passion for what you're engaged in," she says.
So become engaged with your partner. Once you begin to really pay attention, you'll be amazed by what you discover.

7: Put it in writing.

For a recent Valentine's Day, Los Angeles-based film editor Stefan Grube gave his wife Julie a journal, with the idea that the couple would take turns writing to each other. "There's something great about using a pen and paper that helps us really take the time and express our feelings," says Julie. "I cannot tell you how excited I am when I see he's replaced it on our shelf and I know there's a love letter awaiting me."
Writing has a way of shoring up romantic emotions. A University of Texas study found that when participants wrote about their relationships for 20 minutes at a time for 3 days, they were more likely to be together 3 months later. They also expressed more positive emotions in instant message conversations with each other—the writing had prompted more good feelings about the relationship. So next time you think fondly of your partner, write those thoughts down.

8: Provide support in secret.

You might think showing a stressed-out partner explicit support—like cooking special meals or running time-consuming errands—will shore up your connection. But overt social support carries a cost: Partners feel obligated, which leads to more stress, found Niall Bolger, a psychologist at Columbia University.
The most effective support was actually "invisible." When one partner claimed to be providing support the other partner did not report receiving, the other partner showed more improvement in mood than when receiving explicit support.
The lesson? Hidden acts of kindness brighten your mate's day, especially when he or she is going through a challenging time. So instead of making grand gestures, find subtle ways to make your partner's life easier: Stock the fridge with a favorite drink or straighten up a cluttered workspace. Being surreptitiously supportive is a good way to exercise your positivity muscle on a small scale.

9: Get back in touch.

Sure, having regular sex does wonders for relationship satisfaction and well-being. But for couples whose sex life is stalled, even just a little warm touch can make a difference.
A simple "listening touch" exercise, in which partners gently touch each other's neck, shoulders, and hands, increases oxytocin, a hormone that facilitates bonding, and reduces partners' blood pressure and physiological stress levels, found a team of researchers from Brigham State University and the University of Utah.
"Cultivating 'body sense' awareness on one's own and with one's partner is essential, not only for a good sexual relationship but during any close encounter," says Alan Fogel, a University of Utah psychologist who helped develop the touch intervention.
In other words, you can reap the benefits of physical closeness even when you don't have the time or energy for full-blown intimacy. Just a quick hug or backrub can boost your mood—and your connection with your mate.

10: Look after yourself.

You may think the best way to improve your relationship is to focus more on your partner, but that's not always true. Investing in your own life and happiness will pay off, too.
"If you're going through a rough patch, often the most effective thing that you can do is to lovingly remove your attention from the relationship—period," says Susan Biali, wellness coach and author of Your Prescription for Life. "Forget about what the other person is doing badly, or isn't doing, and focus on taking positive action in your own life instead."
By making your life more satisfying, you take pressure off your relationship to be your sole source of happiness. "Plus, by taking care of what you need to in your own life, you bring a more positive attitude back into the relationship," Biali says. "The other person will start to treat you differently—without you having done anything other than shift your energy into your own life." For Biali, this strategy took her relationship from "constant chaos" to happy marriage.
Whether you choose to say thanks, sneak in some invisible support, or coin a silly nickname, a little positivity goes a long way. Small gestures matter. Expensive gifts and exotic vacations are nice, but not as meaningful in the long term as simple actions like taking the time to notice a new outfit or cheer a partner's success. Positivity expands your awareness, begetting more positivity—more noticing, more engagement, more appreciation, and more trust. Little actions help build a reservoir of goodwill that will keep your relationship replenished.

Tips For Building Loving Relationships part 2

 

6. Partner, heal thyself: Don't expect your partner to fill your emotional holes, and don't try to fill theirs. Ultimately, each of us can only heal ourselves. Your partner, however, can be supportive as you work with yourself, and vice versa. In fact, living in a loving relationship is healing in and of itself. 3 Ingredients For A Healthy Relationship
7. Relish the differences between you: The differences between you and your partner are not negatives. You don't need to be with someone who shares all of your interests and views. We may sometimes fear that these differences are incompatibilities, but in fact, they're often what keeps a relationship exciting and full of good fire.

8. Ask questions: All too often, we make up our own stories or interpretations about what our partners' behavior means. For example: "She doesn't want to cuddle; she must not really love me anymore." We can never err on the side of asking too many questions, and then listen to the answers from your whole self — heart, gut, mind and body. Equally important is to hear what's not being said — the facts and feeling that you sense might be unspoken. 3 Ways Being Needy Will Ruin Your Relationships
9. Make time for your relationship: No matter who you are or what your work is, you need to nurture your relationship. Make sure you schedule time for the well-being of your relationship. That includes making "playdates" and also taking downtime together. Frequently create a sacred space together by shutting off all things technological and digital. Like a garden, the more you tend to your relationship, the more it will grow. 
10. Say the "hard things" from love: Become aware of the hard things that you're not talking about. How does that feel? No matter what you're feeling in a situation, channel the energy of your emotions so that you say what you need to say in a constructive manner.

Tips For Building Loving Relationships

 

 

 

 Tips for turning new, premarital or broken, into successful relationships.

How many of us have learned how to build loving relationships? Where did we learn? At home? At school? There is an art and science to building strong relationships. These indispensable tips were written with romantic relationships in mind, but with a little modification you can apply them to your friendships, family and even work relationships.
1. Create a safe environment where you can trust and share openly without being afraid: Don't interrupt, even if you need to put your hand over your mouth to stop yourself. Learn to fight fairly. No name calling. Don't make threats. Apologize when you know you should. If you're too angry to really listen, stop! Go into another room, take space for yourself, breathe, and "calm down." Remember: your partner is not the enemy.

More from YourTango: Dear Dad: An Open Letter to Dads on Father's Day

2. Separate the facts from the feelings: What beliefs and feelings get triggered in you during conflicts? Ask yourself: Is there something from my past that is influencing how I'm seeing the situation now? The critical question you want to ask: Is this about him or her, or is it really about me? What's the real truth? Once you're able to differentiate facts from feelings, you'll see your partner more clearly and be able to resolve conflicts from clarity. Loving Your Body, Loving Yourself
3. Connect with the different parts of yourself: Each of us is not a solo instrument. We're more like a choir or an orchestra with several voices. What is your mind saying? What is your heart saying? What is your body saying? What is your 'gut' saying? For example: My mind is saying ‘definitely leave her,' but my heart says 'I really love her.' Let these different voices or parts of you co-exist and speak to one another. In this way, you will find an answer that comes from your whole self. Mindfulness: The Art of Cultivating Resilience
4. Develop Compassion: Practice observing yourself and your partner without judging. Part of you might judge, but you don't have to identify with it. Judging closes a door. The opposite of judging is compassion. When you are compassionate, you are open, connected, and more available to dialoging respectfully with your partner. As you increasingly learn to see your partner compassionately, you will have more power to choose your response rather than just reacting.
5. Create a "we" that can house two "I's": The foundation for a thriving, growing, mutually-supportive relationship is to be separate and connected. In co-dependent relationships, each person sacrifices part of him or her self, compromising the relationship as a whole. When you are separate and connected, each individual "I" contributes to the creation of a "we" that is stronger than the sum of its parts. 

Feeling Loved

Though our lives are filled with more technology, entertainment, and connectivity than ever before, some of us still feel empty and lonely. Something is missing. It's hard to put a finger on it, but for many of us, this missing something is the safety, understanding, and the support we get from feeling loved. Feeling loved is different from being loved. When you feel loved, it makes you feel whole, accepted, and supported by another person, be they a spouse, lover, friend, family member, or work colleague. You get the sense of being valued and emotionally fulfilled, that someone gets you.  Do your relationships make you feel valued and emotionally fulfilled? Is there someone in your life who really gets you? Do people you love actually feel loved by you? Do they know that you appreciate them as they really are? If the answer to any of these questions is "no," read on to find out why your ability to thrive in life depends on feeling loved, and what you can do to find it. Why more feels like less We have more things than ever before: more possessions, more food, more contacts, and more access to information and locations around the world. But even though we have so much more, it can often still feel like less. How is that possible? Just as you can eat without being nourished and drink without quenching your thirst, you can be connected without feeling connected. You can satisfy an urge without feeling you’ve satisfied a need. You can have hundreds of friends online, instant message colleagues on the other side of the world, or order the same shirt in a dozen different colors and have it on your doorstep in days, but if you’re not making honest, face-to-face connections where you can touch, read non-verbal cues, or give undivided attention, then it’s nearly impossible to feel connected, or feel loved. Similarly, you can express caring for others and receive care yourself without getting what you really need—that sense of feeling loved. Why feeling loved is so important When we feel loved we: Feel less stressed and more relaxed. Can be ourselves knowing that we are valued for who we really are. Don't have to hide or numb our feelings. Can connect to the wisdom of our emotions and our emotional intelligence. Are better able to cope with difficult situations and recover from setbacks and losses. Feel more self-confidence and find it easier to explore new possibilities and be creative. When we don't feel loved, we struggle connecting to others Too often our loved ones don’t seem to understand or appreciate us, and this makes us feel misunderstood or unimportant to those we’re supposed to be closest to. We hear them say, “I love you,” or they give us gifts or other tokens of love, but they rarely look at us or have the time to sit down with us for any length of time. Instead of feeling deeply connected to them, we feel confused, distanced, or disconnected. Nancy did everything she could to make her children feel loved: She had natural births, breast fed them, carried them strapped against her skin, and read countless books on how to best care for their upcoming needs. But even though Nancy changed their diapers in a timely manner and fed them nutritious meals and took them to see the doctor when they were sick, her son grew up lonely without making many true friends, and her daughter often hid in her room and communicated with the world only from her computer. Nancy didn’t know where she went wrong. She imparted as much love as she thought she could, but as her life got busier and busier, she never read the signs that just because her children were loved, they didn’t feel loved, or self-confident enough to reach out to others. In order to make others feel loved we first need to experience feeling loved ourselves. When we don't know what this experience is, we are apt to offer comfort and support that, though well intended, may miss the mark. Things we do for loved ones that may not result in them feeling loved: Provide excellent physical care. Try to make them happy. Protect them from experiencing painful or disagreeable emotions. Provide intellectual stimulation. Why we need to feel loved The need to connect to others is a biological human need, similar to the need for food and water. We can't escape it; it’s hardwired into our brains. For most of human history, our survival depended on being with others to find food and shelter, protect us from predators, and to thrive intellectually. Even if we feel less dependent on others today, the need to connect still exists. No matter how much some of us might try to deny it, we hunger for that meaningful connection to others that makes us feel loved. Our instincts remain primed to: Pick up on nonverbal cues that tell us how others feel about us. Connect to faces that express caring and concern. Depend on emotional communication. Search for relationships that make us feel safe and secure. What the experience of feeling loved is like Though it was after midnight, when Linda called her friend Joan with news about her recurrence of breast cancer, Joan immediately jumped out of bed and drove to Linda’s house. When she arrived, Joan hugged Linda and quickly made them both a cup of tea. Then, sitting close—close enough to put her arms around her—she asked her friend to tell her everything about her illness, including everything she was feeling. When Frances saw the look on her husband's face, she knew Ed had experienced another discouraging day at work. No matter how hard Ed tried, he just couldn’t seem to please his boss. Frances quickly got a board game set up for the kids, and then gave Ed her undivided attention. Over the course of an hour, Frances was able to draw Ed out and patiently listen to his feelings until she saw a shift in his mood. Do you have someone you can contact in the middle of the night if you’re upset, someone who’ll not only listen to you, but will genuinely care about what you’re feeling and want to help? Would your spouse or partner want to talk to you, or would he or she just roll over and tell you to go back to sleep? Even if you live alone, do you have someone who’s there to console you when you’re down and celebrate with you when you’re excited? Do you have someone you trust and feel safe with? Feeling loved requires you to focus on what is happening in the moment between you and the other person. This is largely done through nonverbal communication or body language, such as facial expressions, eye contact, tone of voice, posture and gestures, touch, and the timing and pace of a conversation. When you can pick up on another person’s nonverbal cues, you’ll be able to tell how he or she really feels and be able to respond accordingly. The way you look, listen, move, and react to another person tells them more about how you’re feeling than words alone ever can. Connecting to someone requires eye contact when they open up to you, a hug to show empathy, a gesture that says you’re listening when they talk, and a smile that says you care. How we compensate for not feeling loved When we feel disconnected and unfulfilled, when we long to feel loved and make others feel loved, we may try to fill the void with habits and distractions that numb and distance us from our emotions. We may eat too much, drink too much, shop too much, or obsess too much. The trouble is that the reprieve these actions provide is only temporary, and by distracting ourselves like this, we end up living lives that take us further and further away from the experience of feeling loved and making others feel loved. In college, Max was a star soccer player loved by fans around the country. But after graduation and a knee operation, he stopped playing and slowly grew overweight. To make matters worse, he didn’t like his job and lived alone, and had no one to confide in. Whenever he was upset, angry, lonely, stressed, exhausted, or bored, he turned to food. Eating allowed him to momentarily feel better, but the weight he gained made him feel unattractive and less willing to reach out to make new friends. Carol couldn’t seem to get enough stuff–fancier cars and more dresses and shoes then she could ever need. Many of her friends thought she was just having fun, but in reality the shopping distracted her from her emotionally abusive husband at home who made her feel worthless. Devon's fear of insects was so intense that even in the hottest weather he insisted on keeping all his windows closed. He also repeated an elaborate ritual to check for insects every night before getting into bed. These obsessive and compulsive behaviors began when his over-protective parents began a private war using their relationship with Devon to hurt one another. We build our lives without room for feeling loved To feel loved, and to make others feel loved, takes time and the willingness to stay connected to our own feelings and the emotions of others. But modern life is often rushed and full of distractions, excitement, and temptations that divert our attention from our emotional experiences. These distractions absorb our time, attention, and energy, making it difficult to find the intimacy we need. Over-scheduling and overloading ourselves, losing ourselves in technology, and taking advantage of quick fixes that mask core problems diverts us from the slower, more absorbing task of staying connected to ourselves and others. Aspects of our disconnected world that can impact our ability to feel loved include: Quick solutions that can make complicated problems worse When dealing with health and emotional issues, we tend to look for the easiest solution rather than the best solution. Often that involves simply popping a pill—even when other, healthier options are available. When Stephen’s boss asked him to move across the country to Chicago, he left behind his family and friends and everything he knew and loved. It wasn’t long before he became lonely and depressed. To combat his depression, Stephen’s new doctor prescribed antidepressants. The medication kept Stephen’s depression at a manageable level, but at the same time the drugs lessened his motivation to go out and meet new friends or explore the city. He either sat inside his office or at home on his couch, never giving Chicago, and his new life, a chance. Joyce started taking antidepressants at her internist's suggestion when her executive job created more stress than she could bear. At the time, medication seemed like a good idea because it enabled her to continue working at the rapid pace, but two years later when Joyce became so ill she was forced to retire, she found it nearly impossible to withdraw from the medications she no longer wanted to take. Both Stephen and Joyce opted for the quickest solution when faced with a complicated problem. Lifestyle changes that improve diet, exercise, and sleep have been shown to be as effective for treating mild to moderate depression as medications, without the unpleasant side effects. But taking a pill, for many people, is quicker and simpler. When antidepressants were first developed, they were referred to as emotional straitjackets. Their purpose was to avoid hospitalization for individuals who were suicidal or homicidal. Today, antidepressants: Serve a necessary purpose for those who really need them, but if you don't need them, or no longer need them, their continued use may have unwanted consequences. Have numbing side effects that make it harder to feel emotions, even those you like such as love and joy. Numb emotions and reduce motivation, making it more difficult to make changes and take constructive action. Trying to build social lives around social networks Technology can facilitate relationships by helping us reconnect with old friends and maintain relationships with people who don't live nearby. But these forms of communication don’t utilize nonverbal communication that is essential to gaining emotional fulfillment in a relationship. Instead of paying attention to the people around us, we’re answering our cell phones, checking emails, posting on social media sites, responding to texts, watching TV, or playing video games. Spending so much time in front of screens teaches us to be spectators instead of engaging with others. Acme Products' sales team gathered for their weekly meeting. Most of the team members thought the meetings were terribly dull, and so they began bringing out their smart phones and using the time to respond to emails and surf the net. Because they were all focused on their virtual experiences rather than on connecting with each other, no one attempted to make the meetings more interesting, more interactive, or more productive. Courting stress Modern life is full of hassles, deadlines, frustrations, and demands that can overload your nervous system with stress. Overwhelming stress can: Limit your actions to fighting, fleeing, or freezing. Cause you to say and do things you later regret. Cause you to misunderstand and misread other people. Disrupt your capacity to think clearly and creatively and act appropriately. Sometimes we even court stress by making choices that increase, rather than reduce, stress. Being constantly on the go can make us feel busy, important, wanted, and needed by others. You court stress when you: Make yourself available by smart phone or computer 24 hours a day. "Relax" by watching TV or movies or by playing video games that are each increasingly louder, faster, more frightening, and more violent than the last one, making more and more demands of your nervous system. Don’t get enough sleep or exercise, or eat a balanced diet. Stress can also be made more complicated by early-life experiences that undermine our attempts to behave differently. Through therapy, Jordan discovered his trust issues came from his relationship with his mother. He knew that his wife, Lois, was unlike his mother, but when pressure built and he became overwhelmed, Jordan’s anger spilled over and poisoned their marital relationship. Liz grew up not knowing whether to expect kisses or slaps from her father. When she became a mother herself, Liz never hit her children, but she would fly into such rages that her kids feared her much as she had once feared her father. Having no time to feel loved or make others feel loved Feeling loved is a process that can’t happen when you’re thinking about something else, planning, problem solving, or otherwise absorbed in your own thoughts. It takes time to notice, understand, and respond to what you’re feeling or what another person feels. Patrick was a conscientious pediatrician who made frequent house calls on the weekends. He had a large family of his own and his youngest son, Frank, wondered why his daddy took such good care of other children but didn’t have time for him. Emotional exchanges that make you or the ones you love feel loved can only occur when you: Take time for emotional connection. Are relaxed. Are able to be emotionally present in the moment. Pay attention to the nonverbal cues that you and others send and receive. How to feel loved and make others feel loved If you're very lucky, you learn the skills for feeling loved early in infancy. Before you can speak or think, you can learn to manage stress and self-soothe. In addition, you can learn that your feelings matter because your parent or caretaker successfully responded to your emotional signals.  If you’re not part of the lucky few who learned these abilities as infants, you can still learn them in later in life by mastering two core skills: The ability to recognize and manage stress. The ability to stay connected to what you feel.

Improving Communication Skills in Business and Relationships

Effective communication helps us better understand a person or situation and enables us to resolve differences, build trust and respect, and create environments where creative ideas, problem solving, affection, and caring can flourish. As simple as communication seems, much of what we try to communicate to others—and what others try to communicate to us—gets misunderstood, which can cause conflict and frustration in personal and professional relationships. By learning these effective communication skills, you can better connect with your spouse, kids, friends, and coworkers.

What is effective communication?

In the information age, we have to send, receive, and process huge numbers of messages every day. But effective communication is about more than just exchanging information; it's also about understanding the emotion behind the information. Effective communication can improve relationships at home, work, and in social situations by deepening your connections to others and improving teamwork, decision-making, and problem solving. It enables you to communicate even negative or difficult messages without creating conflict or destroying trust. Effective communication combines a set of skills including nonverbal communication, attentive listening, the ability to manage stress in the moment, and the capacity to recognize and understand your own emotions and those of the person you’re communicating with.
While effective communication is a learned skill, it is more effective when it’s spontaneous rather than formulaic. A speech that is read, for example, rarely has the same impact as a speech that’s delivered (or appears to be delivered) spontaneously. Of course, it takes time and effort to develop these skills and become an effective communicator. The more effort and practice you put in, the more instinctive and spontaneous your communication skills will become.

Effective communication skills #1: Listening

Listening is one of the most important aspects of effective communication. Successful listening means not just understanding the words or the information being communicated, but also understanding how the speaker feels about what they’re communicating.
Effective listening can:

• Make the speaker feel heard and understood, which can help build a stronger, deeper connection between you.
• Create an environment where everyone feels safe to express ideas, opinions, and feelings, or plan and problem solve in creative ways.
• Save time by helping clarify information, avoid conflicts and misunderstandings.
• Relieve negative emotions. When emotions are running high, if the speaker feels that he or she has been truly heard, it can help to calm them down, relieve negative feelings, and allow for real understanding or problem solving to begin.

Tips for effective listening

If your goal is to fully understand and connect with the other person, listening effectively will often come naturally. If it doesn’t, you can remember the following tips. The more you practice them, the more satisfying and rewarding your interactions with others will become.

• Focus fully on the speaker, his or her body language, and other nonverbal cues. If you’re daydreaming, checking text messages, or doodling, you’re almost certain to miss nonverbal cues in the conversation. If you find it hard to concentrate on some speakers, try repeating their words over in your head—it’ll reinforce their message and help you stay focused.
• Avoid interrupting or trying to redirect the conversation to your concerns, by saying something like, “If you think that’s bad, let me tell you what happened to me.” Listening is not the same as waiting for your turn to talk. You can’t concentrate on what someone’s saying if you’re forming what you’re going to say next. Often, the speaker can read your facial expressions and know that your mind’s elsewhere.
• Avoid seeming judgmental. In order to communicate effectively with someone, you don’t have to like them or agree with their ideas, values, or opinions. However, you do need to set aside your judgment and withhold blame and criticism in order to fully understand a person. The most difficult communication, when successfully executed, can lead to the most unlikely and profound connection with someone.
• Show your interest in what’s being said. Nod occasionally, smile at the person, and make sure your posture is open and inviting. Encourage the speaker to continue with small verbal comments like “yes” or “uh huh.”

Effective communication skills #2: Nonverbal communication

When we communicate things that we care about, we do so mainly using nonverbal signals. Wordless communication, or body language, includes facial expressions, body movement and gestures, eye contact, posture, the tone of your voice, and even your muscle tension and breathing. The way you look, listen, move, and react to another person tells them more about how you’re feeling than words alone ever can.
Developing the ability to understand and use nonverbal communication can help you connect with others, express what you really mean, navigate challenging situations, and build better relationships at home and work.

• You can enhance effective communication by using open body language—arms uncrossed, standing with an open stance or sitting on the edge of your seat, and maintaining eye contact with the person you’re talking to.
• You can also use body language to emphasize or enhance your verbal message—patting a friend on the back while complimenting him on his success, for example, or pounding your fists to underline your message.

Tips for improving how you read nonverbal communication

• Practice observing people in public places, such as a shopping mall, bus, train, café, restaurant, or even on a television talk show with the sound muted. Observing how others use body language can teach you how to better receive and use nonverbal signals when conversing with others. Notice how people act and react to each other. Try to guess what their relationship is, what they’re talking about, and how each feels about what is being said.
• Be aware of individual differences. People from different countries and cultures tend to use different nonverbal communication gestures, so it’s important to take age, culture, religion, gender, and emotional state into account when reading body language signals. An American teen, a grieving widow, and an Asian businessman, for example, are likely to use nonverbal signals differently.
• Look at nonverbal communication signals as a group. Don’t read too much into a single gesture or nonverbal cue. Consider all of the nonverbal signals you receive, from eye contact to tone of voice to body language. Anyone can slip up occasionally and let eye contact slip, for example, or briefly cross their arms without meaning to. Consider the signals as a whole to get a better “read” on a person.

Tips for improving how to deliver nonverbal communication

• Use nonverbal signals that match up with your words. Nonverbal communication should reinforce what is being said, not contradict it. If you say one thing, but your body language says something else, your listener will likely feel you’re being dishonest. For example, you can’t say “yes” while shaking your head no.
• Adjust your nonverbal signals according to the context. The tone of your voice, for example, should be different when you’re addressing a child than when you’re addressing a group of adults. Similarly, take into account the emotional state and cultural background of the person you’re interacting with.
• Use body language to convey positive feelings even when you're not actually experiencing them. If you’re nervous about a situation—a job interview, important presentation, or first date, for example—you can use positive body language to signal confidence, even though you’re not feeling it. Instead of tentatively entering a room with your head down, eyes averted, and sliding into a chair, try standing tall with your shoulders back, smiling and maintaining eye contact, and delivering a firm handshake. It will make you feel more self-confident and help to put the other person at ease.

Effective communication skills #3: Managing stress

Learn to recognize & reduce hidden stress

Quick Stress Relief

In small doses, stress can help you perform under pressure. However, when stress becomes constant and overwhelming, it can hamper effective communication by disrupting your capacity to think clearly and creatively, and act appropriately. When you’re stressed, you’re more likely to misread other people, send confusing or off-putting nonverbal signals, and lapse into unhealthy knee-jerk patterns of behavior.
How many times have you felt stressed during a disagreement with your spouse, kids, boss, friends, or coworkers and then said or done something you later regretted? If you can quickly relieve stress and return to a calm state, you’ll not only avoid such regrets, but in many cases you’ll also help to calm the other person as well. It’s only when you’re in a calm, relaxed state that you'll be able to know whether the situation requires a response, or whether the other person’s signals indicate it would be better to remain silent.

Quick stress relief for effective communication

When stress strikes, you can’t always temper it by taking time out to meditate or go for a run, especially if you’re in the middle of a meeting with your boss or an argument with your spouse, for example. By learning to quickly reduce stress in the moment, though, you can safely face any strong emotions you’re experiencing, regulate your feelings, and behave appropriately. When you know how to maintain a relaxed, energized state of awareness—even when something upsetting happens—you can remain emotionally available and engaged.
To deal with stress during communication:

• Recognize when you’re becoming stressed. Your body will let you know if you’re stressed as you communicate. Are your muscles or your stomach tight and/or sore? Are your hands clenched? Is your breath shallow? Are you "forgetting" to breathe?
• Take a moment to calm down before deciding to continue a conversation or postpone it.
• Bring your senses to the rescue and quickly manage stress by taking a few deep breaths, clenching and relaxing muscles, or recalling a soothing, sensory-rich image, for example. The best way to rapidly and reliably relieve stress is through the senses: sight, sound, touch, taste, and smell. But each person responds differently to sensory input, so you need to find things that are soothing to you.
• Look for humor in the situation. When used appropriately, humor is a great way to relieve stress when communicating. When you or those around you start taking things too seriously, find a way to lighten the mood by sharing a joke or amusing story.
• Be willing to compromise. Sometimes, if you can both bend a little, you’ll be able to find a happy middle ground that reduces the stress levels for everyone concerned. If you realize that the other person cares much more about something than you do, compromise may be easier for you and a good investment in the future of the relationship.
• Agree to disagree, if necessary, and take time away from the situation so everyone can calm down. Take a quick break and move away from the situation. Go for a stroll outside if possible, or spend a few minutes meditating. Physical movement or finding a quiet place to regain your balance can quickly reduce stress.

Effective communication skills #4: Emotional awareness

Learn to recognize & accept your emotions

 Developing emotional awareness

Emotions play an important role in the way we communicate at home and work. It’s the way you feel, more than the way you think, that motivates you to communicate or to make decisions. The way you react to emotionally driven, nonverbal cues affects both how you understand other people and how they understand you. If you are out of touch with your feelings, and don’t understand how you feel or why you feel that way, you’ll have a hard time communicating your feelings and needs to others. This can result in frustration, misunderstandings, and conflict. When you don’t address what’s really bothering you, you often become embroiled in petty squabbles instead—arguing with your spouse about how the towels should be hung, for example, or with a coworker about whose turn it is to restock the copier.
Emotional awareness provides you the tools needed for understanding both yourself and other people, and the real messages they are communicating to you. Although knowing your own feelings may seem simple, many people ignore or try to sedate strong emotions like anger, sadness, and fear. But your ability to communicate depends on being connected to these feelings. If you’re afraid of strong emotions or if you insist on communicating only on a rational level, it will impair your ability to fully understand others, creatively problem solve, resolve conflicts, or build an affectionate connection with someone.

How emotional awareness can improve effective communication

Emotional awareness—the consciousness of your moment-to-moment emotional experience—and the ability to manage all of your feelings appropriately is the basis for effective communication.
Emotional awareness helps you:

• Understand and empathize with what is really troubling other people
• Understand yourself, including what’s really troubling you and what you really want
• Stay motivated to understand and empathize with the person you’re interacting with, even if you don’t like them or their message
• Communicate clearly and effectively, even when delivering negative messages
• Build strong, trusting, and rewarding relationships, think creatively, solve problems, and resolve conflicts

Effective communication requires both thinking and feeling

When emotional awareness is strongly developed, you’ll know what you’re feeling without having to think about it—and you’ll be able to use these emotional cues to understand what someone is really communicating to you and act accordingly. The goal of effective communication is to find a healthy balance between your intellect and your emotions, between thinking and feeling.

Emotional awareness is a skill you can learn

Emotional awareness is a skill that, with patience and practice, can be learned at any time of life. You can develop emotional awareness by learning how to get in touch with difficult emotions and manage uncomfortable feelings, including anger, sadness, fear, disgust, surprise, and joy. When you know how to do this, you can remain in control of your emotions and behavior, even in very challenging situations, and communicate more clearly and effectively.

Relationship tipz

A relationship is an investment that will build as you continue to devote your time and effort. The more you put in, the more you’ll get back.
As well as commitment and a willingness to adapt and change throughout life, healthy relationships require skills in communication and emotional awareness. Thankfully, these skills can be easily learned. They can even help to repair many relationships.
If your romantic relationship is less than you need or want, or even if it’s on the rocks, there are steps you can take to repair trust and rebuild a satisfying and meaningful connection.

How to strengthen your loving relationship

What makes a healthy love relationship?Everyone’s relationship is unique, and people come together for many different reasons. But there are some things that good relationships have in common. Knowing the basic principles of healthy relationships helps keep them meaningful, fulfilling and exciting in both happy times and sad:

• Staying involved with each other. Some relationships get stuck in peaceful coexistence, but without truly relating to each other and working together. While it may seem stable on the surface, lack of involvement and communication increases distance. When you need to talk about something important, the connection and understanding may no longer be there.
• Getting through conflict. Some couples talk things out quietly, while others may raise their voices and passionately disagree. The key in a strong relationship, though, is not to be fearful of conflict. You need to be safe to express things that bother you without fear of retaliation, and be able to resolve conflict without humiliation, degradation or insisting on being right. 
• Keeping outside relationships and interests alive. No one person can meet all of our needs, and expecting too much from someone can put a lot of unhealthy pressure on a relationship. Having friends and outside interests not only strengthens your social network, but brings new insights and stimulation to the relationship, too.
• Communicating. Honest, direct communication is a key part of any relationship. When both people feel comfortable expressing their needs, fears, and desires, trust and bonds are strengthened. Nonverbal cues—body language like eye contact, leaning forward or away, or touching someone’s arm—are critical to communication.

Relationship advice tip 1: Keep physical intimacy alive

Touch is a fundamental part of human existence. Studies on infants have shown the importance of regular, loving touch and holding on brain development. These benefits do not end in childhood. Life without physical contact with others is a lonely life indeed.

Studies have shown that affectionate touch actually boosts the body’s levels of oxytocin, a hormone that influences bonding and attachment. In a committed relationship between two adult partners, physical intercourse is often a cornerstone of the relationship. However, intercourse should not be the only method of physical intimacy in a relationship. Regular, affectionate touch—holding hands, hugging, or kissing—is equally important.

Be sensitive to what your partner likes. While touch is a key part of a healthy relationship, it’s important to take some time to find out what your partner really likes. Unwanted touching or inappropriate overtures can make the other person tense up and retreat—exactly what you don’t want.

Relationship advice tip 2: Spend quality time together

You probably have fond memories of when you were first dating your loved one. Everything may have seemed new and exciting, and you may have spent hours just chatting together or coming up with new, exciting things to try. However, as time goes by, children, demanding jobs, long commutes, different hobbies and other obligations can make it hard to find time together. It’s critical for your relationship, though, to make time for yourselves. If you don’t have quality time, communication and understanding start to erode.

Simple ways to connect as a couple and rekindle love

• Commit to spending quality time together on a regular basis. Even during very busy and stressful times, a few minutes of really sharing and connecting can help keep bonds strong.
• Find something that you enjoy doing together, whether it is a shared hobby, dance class, daily walk, or sitting over a cup of coffee in the morning.
• Try something new together. Doing new things together can be a fun way to connect and keep things interesting. It can be as simple as trying a new restaurant or going on a day trip to a place you’ve never been before.

Couples are often more fun and playful in the early stages of a relationship. However, this playful attitude can sometimes be forgotten as life challenges or old resentments start getting in the way. Keeping a sense of humor can actually help you get through tough times, reduce stress, and work through issues more easily.

Focus on having fun together

• Think about playful ways to surprise your partner, like bringing flowers or a favorite movie home unexpectedly.
• Learn from the “play experts” together. Playing with pets or small children can really help you reconnect with your playful side. If it’s something you do together, you also learn more about your partner and how he or she likes to have fun.
• Make a habit of laughing together whenever you can. Most situations are not as bleak as they appear to be when you approach them with humor.

Learning how to play again

A little humor and playful interaction can go a long way in relieving tense situations and helping you see the brighter side. If you’re feeling a little rusty, learn more about how playful communication can improve your relationship, and for fun ways to practice this skill.

Relationship advice tip 3: Never stop communicating

Good communication is a fundamental part of a healthy relationship. When people stop communicating well, they stop relating well, and times of change or stress can really bring out disconnect. As long as you are communicating, you can work through whatever problem you’re facing.

Learn your partner’s emotional cues

Each of us is a little different in how we best receive information. Some people might respond better to sight, sound, or touch. Your partner’s responses may be different from yours. Take some time to learn your partner’s cues, and be sure to communicate your own as well. For example, one person might find a brief massage after a stressful day a loving mode of communication—while another might just want to talk over a hot cup of tea.

So much of our communication is transmitted by what we don’t say. Nonverbal cues—such as eye contact, leaning forward or away, or touching someone’s arm—communicate much more than words. For a relationship to work well, each person has to be receptive to sending and receiving nonverbal cues. Learning to understand this “body language” can help you better understand what your partner is trying to say. Think about what you are transmitting as well, and if what you say matches what you feel. If you say “I’m fine,” but you clench your teeth and look away, then your body is clearly signaling you are not.

Question your assumptions

If you’ve known each other for a while, you may assume that your partner has a pretty good idea of what you are thinking and what you need. However, your partner is not a mind reader. While your partner may have some idea, it is much healthier to directly express your needs to avoid any confusion. Your partner may sense something, but it might not be what you need. What’s more, people change, and what you needed and wanted five years ago, for example, may be very different now. Getting in the habit of expressing your needs helps you weather difficult times, which otherwise may lead to increasing resentment, misunderstanding, and anger.

Use your senses to keep stress in check

If you’re not calm and focused, you won’t be able to communicate effectively. The best way to reduce stress quickly and reliably is through the senses. But each person responds differently to sensory input, so you need to find things that are soothing to you.

Relationship advice tip 4: Healthy relationships are built on give and take

If you expect to get what you want 100% of a time in a relationship, you are setting yourself up for disappointment. Healthy relationships are built on compromise, and it takes work on each person’s part to make sure that there is a reasonable exchange.

Recognize what’s important to your partner

Knowing what is truly important to your partner can go a long way towards building goodwill and an atmosphere of compromise. On the flip side, it’s also important for your partner to recognize your wants and for you to state them clearly. Constantly compromising your needs for others' will build resentment and anger.

Don’t make “winning” your goal

If you approach your partner with the attitude that things have to be your way or else, it will be difficult to reach a compromise. Sometimes this attitude comes from not having your needs met while you were younger, or it could be from years of accumulated resentment building up in your current relationship. It’s all right to have strong convictions about something, but your partner deserves to be heard as well. You are more likely to get your needs met if you respect what your partner needs, and compromise when you can.

Learn how to respectfully resolve conflict

Conflict is inevitable in any relationship, but to keep a relationship strong, both people need to feel they’ve been heard. The goal is not to win but to resolve the conflict with respect and love.

• Make sure you are fighting fair.
• Don’t attack someone directly; use “I” statements to communicate how you feel.
• Don’t drag old arguments into the mix.
• Keep the focus on the issue at hand, and respect the other person.

Relationship advice tip 5: Expect ups and downs

It’s also important to recognize that there are ups and downs in every relationship. You won’t always be on the same page. Sometimes one partner may be struggling with an issue that stresses them, such as the death of a close family member. Other events, like job loss or severe health problems, can affect both partners and make it difficult to relate to each other. You might have different ideas of managing finances or raising children. Different people cope with stress differently, and misunderstanding can rapidly turn to frustration and anger.

Relationship advice for getting through life’s ups and downs

• Don’t take out your problems on your partner. Life stresses can make us short tempered. If you are coping with a lot of stress, it might seem easier to snap at your partner. Fighting like this might initially feel like a release, but it slowly poisons your relationship. Find other ways to vent your anger and frustration.
• Some problems are bigger than both of you. Trying to force a solution can cause even more problems. Every person works through problems and issues in his or her own way. Remember that you’re a team. Continuing to move forward together can get you through the rough spots.
• Be open to change. Change is inevitable in life, and it will happen whether you go with it or fight it. Flexibility is essential to adapt to the change that is always taking place in any relationship, and it allows you to grow together through both the good times and the bad.
• Don’t ignore problems. Whatever problems arise in a romantic relationship, it’s important to face them together as a couple. If an aspect of the relationship stops working, don’t simply ignore it, but instead address it with your partner. Things change, so respond to them together as they do.

Romantic relationships require ongoing attention

Many couples focus on their relationship only when there are specific, unavoidable problems to overcome. Once the problems have been resolved they often switch their attention back to their careers, kids, or other interests. However, romantic relationships require ongoing attention and commitment for love to flourish. As long as the health of a romantic relationship remains important to you, it is going to require your attention and effort.