keep the relationship fresh

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   Take advantage of new technology; text and send e-cards. With so many of us pressed for time, why not use technology to “keep in touch” during the day. A compliment, an affection or a quick “Hello, You are being thought of” via text can spark anyone’s day. E-cards are fast, and convenient. There are many sites that allow you to send them for free. You can find any type of sentiment from cute and funny, to serious and romantic or teasingly sexy. The bonus is that you can include a personal message along with it if you’d like.
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   Hold hands, hug and give quick kisses often. Nothing is as good for the soul and the emotional health of a person as the human touch. As teenagers, we hold hands, give quick kisses as hello and goodbye and cuddle as we sit close. Why not keep that sense of youth no matter how old we are or how long we have been have together as a couple? Holding hands keeps a connection and closeness, no matter what we are doing. An enthusiastic hug uplifts us; a quick kiss says “glad to see you”.
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   Date often. Make dates and anticipate them with excitement. Dress up and look your best. Discover a new cologne or perfume. Set the stage as if you are trying to “impress” the way you did at the beginning of the relationship. If your budget limits you to a rental movie at home, change it up. Set out cheese and crackers instead of the usual popcorn. Turn off the lights and let your fireplace illuminate the room. No fireplace? Candles do just as well. The point is to set the atmosphere of a date. The desire to look your best, feel your best and have the best time possible will rejuvenate those feelings of a first date.
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   Write old fashioned love letters. There is nothing like the power of the written word. The idea that a person would sit and attempt to convey their feeling through words is not only a heart warming gesture, but one that can be renewed over and over again through each reread. When you need an emotional lift, you can revisit them and instantly get the emotional recharge. Rereading a partner’s love letters instantly brings you to the intensity when the relationship was young. Writing letters throughout the relationship tells your partner those feelings are still alive and well.
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   Praise, praise and thank you...and more praise. Rather than concentrating on what he or she “doesn’t do anymore”, think about what he/she does. He may not bring you flowers as he did in the beginning of your courtship, but his consideration in packing your lunch or giving you some time with the girls is another type of “blossom”. If she doesn’t seem to be as affectionate as when you first dated, appreciate her watching the game with you, especially if she is not a sports fan. The saying “seeing your glass full or half empty” has validity. If we compliment people on what they DO, instead of harping on what they don’t, we’d be surprised how responsive a person can be. Being appreciated with a “thank you”, makes most people enthusiastic about doing more. Complimenting your partner on their qualities of patience or creativity will easily be a high point in their day. And with enough Thank yous and compliments, you never know. That bouquet of flowers might just follow.
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   Learn something “new” together.
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   Take dance lessons, take an art class or learn to ice skate together! Take a day trip to a new place neither of you have ever visited before. If you look back on your life, you probably connected with people whom you shared new events or experiences, something you experienced together for the first time. Those experiences create closeness. Find something that can be a “first” for the two of you. You might also develop a new interest the two of you can enjoy!
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   Make love often and with passion. The beauty of a long term sexual relationship is that the intimacy builds over the years. That intimacy makes sex much more genuine, gratifying and fulfilling. It is also an area that is not often put high on the importance scale. Work, career, school, and kids often exhaust our energy so we find it hard to “be in the mood." Make the intimate part of your relation a high priority. Make time for “love sessions." Take time to “make love” rather than just have sex. Use candles, perfume, or whatever that is that get your juices flowing. Like all else in life, intimacy dies if it is not nourished. Feeding it with affection, compliments and time will make it something that feels less like an obligation at the end of a hard day, but something to look forward to.
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    Strengthen your art of conversation. If you find yourself with “nothing to talk about anymore”, find something to start the conversation. Fill your partner in on the “funny“ things that happened at work, the gossip; anything trivial and interesting. Remember, we all need to use our partners as a “sounding board," but if that is the only conversation that we are having with our “significant other," even the most sympathetic listener can have a breaking point. Make “sharing your day” a pleasure event, not a dreaded evil.
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    Be a good listener. There still is the time when your partner will need you to be there, just to listen. You have probably heard the joke a thousand times and heard the family issue twice that often, so listening to your partner is not always easy. The extra effort, however, can be priceless. Remember, often people don’t want their problems solved, just a shoulder to lean on. Taking away the burden of “fixing it," might make it easier.
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    Take care of yourself; mind, body and spirit. Be passionate about life. There is truth to the belief that if we nourish the child in us our spirits can stay young, even when our outer body doesn’t. Stay young in mind and spirit. Take care of your health, emotional and physical. It is much easier to keep a relationship young when you exude that aura yourself. Start by keeping yourself “young at heart."
    • Keeping a relationship vibrant for years can be a challenge, but that doesn’t have to be a negative. As with all challenges, once achieved, the success becomes much sweeter, the accomplishment more exhilarating. That kind of energy is certain to give a kick start to anyone’s relationship!
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    Try to understand the other person perfectly. You might be of two completely different mindsets, but you must know you are together because you are meant to be. So don't spoil it. Whenever the other person does something wrong or doesn't arrive on time, don't start by being so aggressive. You must first ask the person what happened in a calm way and tell that you understand, so don't worry. These small consoling words can strengthen your relationship greatly.
    
    

loving relatioship

Relationship Mistakes to Avoid

It is of course of utmost importance to focus in on and target areas that will grow, build and take your relationship to the next level. However, at the same time we must be aware of the mistakes that many couples make that sabotage and destroy their relationships in irreparable ways.

Here are some things you should keep in mind and be wary of if you seek to build a long, lasting and fruitful relationship:

Avoid Picking on Partner’s Faults

No one likes to be judged or picked on, especially by the person they love,  so quit picking on your partner’s faults. You are not perfect yourself, so don’t expect your partner to be perfect either. Accept them for who they are, love them because of their imperfection and cherish them for the intrinsic beauty that lies hidden behind the external appearance.

Avoid Complacency

Many relationships fail simply because the couple becomes too complacent and comfortable within the relationship. As human beings, we crave excitement and variety within our lives. Initially at the beginning stages of a relationship we experience many new feelings and also partake in activities that instigate mystery, uncertainty and unpredictability.

Once you are with someone for a while it’s easy to simply overlook the factors that initially created that spark and attraction in your relationship. If you notice that you are becoming lazy and that your relationship is becoming too predictable, realize that sooner or later one of you will have to do something to spice things up or the relationship will very likely fall apart both emotionally and physically.

Avoid Seeking Instant Gratification

It’s very easy to become addicted to having your partner around fulfilling all your deepest needs and desires. Don’t forget that even though you are within a relationship, you are still an individual entity with one beating heart and one thinking brain. Addiction to your partner may very well lead to neediness, which could make your partner feel claustrophobic within your presence. Instead practice being happy with yourself when your partner isn’t around. Moreover, practice satisfying your emotional, physical, spiritual and material cravings in constructive ways without needing your partner to be there all the time.

Finally understand that every relationship needs intimacy and closeness just as much as it requires a little separation and space. Therefore, be very careful not to become addicted.

Avoid Carrying Old Baggage

By old baggage I don’t mean old suitcases that you have been storing in your closet for years.  Instead, I mean people, emotions and thoughts that keep you in the past and prevent you from moving forward with your current relationship within the present moment. Stay true to yourself by letting go of the past and focusing wholeheartedly on your partner today.

Avoid Having Unrealistic Expectations

Get over the fact that your partner will solve your emotional problems or self-esteem issues. Your partner is human, they will help you any way they can, however you must not rely on them to assist you with every problem that confronts you on a daily basis. This is simply just too emotionally draining and will eat-away at your partner’s emotional resources. You must understand that they are also dealing with their own personal problems at home, work, and anywhere else they transition through life. Yes, support each other, and be there when your partner needs you most, however do not hold onto unrealistic expectations that this relationship will bring you perfect happiness on every level of your life.

Relationships are not magic pills that you can pop at any time, they are instead support lifelines that can help make your transition through life much easier more exhilerating and fun.

Avoid Forcing Your Partner to Change

This again touches upon the idea of perfection. You are not perfect, so don’t expect your partner to be perfect either. Think back to your initial attraction and how you felt about your partner at the time. Did you nitpick at every little thing you didn’t like about them, or did you simply love them for who they were as a complete and perfect package with warts and all? Your union came together because you naturally complimented each others strengths and weaknesses. Keep this union alive by continuing to be strong where they are weak or competent where they may be inadequate. Ask yourself,

Does the world really need another clone of me?

Appreciate your partner for who they are and continue to work on maintaining that strength/weakness balance that is evident within all successful relationships.

Avoid Arguing to Win

Before you argue with your partner ask yourself

Even if I prove that my perspective is right, is it worth making my partner feel terrible about the fact that they are wrong?

Let’s all just grow up and stop acting like little children. What is right and what is wrong is irrelevant, as long as what is most important is still intact when everything is said and done. Is your opinion more important than your relationship?

Avoid Creating Negative Anchors

This is a natural outcropping of the above point. Whenever we are experiencing a powerful and intense emotional state, everything within our present environment naturally gets attached to that emotional state of being. This means that if you come home from work feeling angry and you transfer that anger onto your partner, than these emotions of anger will begin to slowly but surely anchor themselves to your partner’s presence.

For instance, the next week you might come home from work feeling on top of the world, however the moment you see your partner you begin to feel uncomfortable and angry, and you just can’t explain why? This is evidence that shows you that you have a negative anchor attached to your partner’s presence, and it is probably the biggest and most powerful destructive force on relationships in the 21st Century. To avoid this, simply separate yourself from your partner in times when you are experiencing heated emotions, and choose to be near your partner when you are feeling excitement and exhilaration.

This strategy will not only extinguish the probability of creating negative anchors, but will also create the possibility of experiencing positive relationship building anchors.

Romantic Things to Do in Relationship

Building strong fulfilling and fruitful relationships requires constant diligence, work and effort. However, this doesn’t mean that it can’t be enjoyable and fun. Spice up your relationship with a variety of unique activities and dating ideas that will keep your partner interested and leave them wanting more.

Here are just a few suggestions to get you started on the right path:

Romantic Dates

Plan ongoing weekly romantic dates with your partner to keep the sizzle in your relationship going. This could be as simple as a spa/bath night, watching the sunset or sunrise, or simply surprising them on their lunch-break at work with a picnic in the park. No matter what it is, plan to make it special, memorable and especially romantic. Also plan your dates in advance and surprise your partner with creativity and variety each and every time.

Fun Dates

Remember that dates don’t always have to be romantic. A balance of fun and romance is always essential for a healthy and long lasting relationship. Plan fun dates such as bowling, mini golf, bike riding, ice skating, playing board games, arcade games, Sony PlayStation or even X-Box games at home.

Anything that stirs up intense excitement within your partner will naturally unleash an avalanche of love hormones that will bring about ever deeper feelings of affection for you. This is exactly why amusement parks are incredibly effective, just make sure that you don’t overdo it by going on too many of those exhilarating rides at one time. One too many rides could indeed have the opposite effect, especially on a full stomach. 

Activities

If you simply don’t like the idea of planning a date, you can still spice up your relationship through daily activities or all-day outings. Go hiking with your partner within a National Park, or plan a road trip to unexpected places — simply go with your gut and see where the roads take you. Alternatively, you may find great pleasure in exercising together at the gym or park, and even simple arduous tasks and activities such as doing the laundry or washing the car together can quickly become an intensely emotional and intoxicating experience for both of you.

How to Show Your Partner “I Love You”

We all understand how important love is to the success of a growing relationship. When we are in love, it just makes sense to tell our partner how much we love them over and over again. However, did you know that you can make your partner feel the deep love you have for them in many more ways then by simply telling them “I Love You“. Here are just a few suggestions to get you started:

Do Loving Things

Triggering within your partner the exhilarating feelings of love will vary depending on their Love Strategy. Your partner’s Love Strategy is a set of unconscious rules they have ingrained into their psyche that determines how they feel in accordance to other people’s behaviors, words, gestures and actions.

Let’s begin by taking a look at a few ways you can show your partner that you love them without the “I love you” words attached.

Remember the Special Occasions

There are certain moments throughout the year that have special importance for both your partner and for the continued growth and maturity of your relationship. Remember them at all costs and celebrate them in unique, creative and romantic ways. The more memorable and romantic the experience the more indisputable proof there will be of your love and affection for your partner. All it really takes is remembering the big three annual occasions: Your partner’s birthday, your relationship’s anniversary day and valentines day.

Take the Unexpected Romantic Approach

Send your love via email, in a letter or through text messaging. You don’t have to say “I love you“, (although that wouldn’t hurt), just remind your partner that you are thinking about them, that you appreciate them, that you can’t wait to see them, and that your world is empty without them. Or, send something funny that makes them laugh and think of you. The more creative you are in your approach the more effective your message will be. Moreover, surprise your partner with sudden kisses and hugs. Again, be creative. Spice up your relationship with unpredictability, and remember, that kisses and hugs don’t always have to be the same.

Listen Attentively

We’ve already discussed the importance of communication, and listening attentively was no doubt a big aspect of that discussion. Through the act of listening you are showing your partner that you are interested in them and that you consider what they have to say as being of utmost importance. Isn’t it amazing how such a simple act can say so much about the feelings you have for the other person?

Be Forgiving

No one is perfect. People will make mistakes. You will make mistakes, and so will your partner. There are a few things that show your partner that you love them more than the simple act of forgiveness. Forgive them for their indiscretions, for their misjudgments, and for their imperfect actions. Doing this will show them how much you care, love and appreciate them despite mistakes that may or may not have been made.

Smile Lovingly

A simple genuine smile stemming from the heart without a spoken word can do more to sooth the soul than a million “I love you’s” filled with little genuine intent or emotion.

Show Your Gratitude

Say “thank you” in creative, unique and genuine ways for the little things that your partner does for you. A warmhearted “thank you” can make a heart melt and will say so much more than the words it represents.

Compliment Your Partner in the Company of Others

Giving your partner compliments when you are alone is wonderful for building appreciation and romantic affection. However, giving your partner compliments in the company of other people shows them how genuinely you respect and care for them openly within a social environment. Do this in creative and unique ways that makes other people appreciate the wonderful things you see within your partner on a daily basis.

As a rule-of-thumb, not only should you compliment your partner in a creative manner, you should also only compliment them on things that others simply would not at first notice. If for instance others see your partner as being handsome or beautiful, compliment them indirectly about how great of a husband, wife, father, mother or provider they are — this will show them beyond a shadow of a doubt how much you respect, care and value them.

Hold Hands

Hold your partner’s hand while watching TV, walking through the park or just waiting in line at the grocery store. The simple act of touching will go a long way in displaying your unwavering love and affection.

Dance Intimately

When was the last time you took the time to play your partner’s favorite song and asked them to dance intimately under the candlelight? The music that we appreciate and love has been scientifically proven to stimulate deep reservoirs of emotion from within our psyche, which can bring about powerful feelings of love and affection.

Tickle and Wrestle Each Other

Simple cheeky touching and wrestling will stimulate powerful love infested emotions within your partner’s body. This act alone shows your partner your deep love and affection.

Simple Say Nothing At All

I’m sure that at this stage you are fully comprehending and understanding that words don’t have to be spoken to show your partner that you love them. However, just in case you need a little more convincing, here are the lyrics of a well known song sang by Ronan Keating entitled “When You Say Nothing at All” from the movie Notting Hill. The lyrics of the song are very powerful and can help put into perspective what is required in order to build strong, long lasting and fruitful intimate relationships.

When You Say Nothing At All

It’s amazing how you can speak right to my heart
Without saying a word, you can light up the dark
Try as I may, I could never explain
What I hear when you don’t say a thing

The smile on your face, lets me know that you need me
There’s a truth in your eyes saying you’ll never leave me
The touch of your hand says you’ll catch me whenever I fall
You say it best, when you say nothing at all

All day long I can hear people talking out loud
But when you hold me near you drown out the crowd
Try as they may, they can never define
What’s been said between your heart and mine

Say “I Love You” in a Variety of Ways

Don’t just say “I love you“, instead say it differently, creatively and in a variety of ways. Here are a few examples to get you started:

You complete me…

You are precious…

You are my life…

I value you…

I adore you…

You inspire me…

I live for our love…

You are my strength…

I dream of you…

I appreciate you…

Me and you always…

7 Minutes to Save Your Relationship

I’ll start this month’s column with two facts of life that seem at odds. First, relationships—especially marriage and marriage-like partnerships—are good for us and good for our health. When you have a partner who supports you, encourages you, helps you be the best person you can be, and also has sex with you, this is about the most wonderful thing in the world. 

I take that back—it is the most wonderful thing in the world.

QUIZ: Are You Sexually Satisfied?

Unfortunately, the second fact is that the quality (read: satisfaction, passion, trust, intimacy, etc.) of our relationships declines over time for just about everyone. Once you fall in love with someone and create an enduring bond, that bond starts to come apart. I don’t mean to sound all doom and gloom here, but this is a well-replicated scientific finding. Even among happy couples, relationship quality declines in a systematic fashion over time.

Everyone who has a long-term partner nods their head like crazy when someone states the obvious: “Relationships require work.” If you don’t work hard to maintain the quality of your relationship, the glue keeping you together begins to weaken. Next thing you know, it’s 10 years later and you’re wondering how the hell things got so damn bad.

This second fact about relationships prompts obvious questions: What can we do to keep the passion alive? How can we prevent our relationship problems from worsening and becoming truly corrosive? One answer to this question, of course, is that you can go into therapy. This is all well and good if you have the time and the money, but what if you don’t think your problems warrant therapy? Things aren’t terrible, but they’re not that great, either. What should we do now?

MORE: Learn How to Cut Your Losses and Just Walk Away

Luckily, there’s a hot-off-the-presses new research study by Eli Finkel and colleagues at Northwestern University that gives us an excellent answer to this question. These researchers have invented a seven-minute writing intervention that stalls the natural decline of marital quality.

Here’s how their study worked. One hundred twenty married couples (married an average of 11 years at the start of the study) completed an internet survey every four months for two years. At the end of the first year, half the couples were randomly assigned to a seven-minute conflict reappraisal intervention. (Reappraisal is fancy word for thinking differently.)

The researchers first asked half the people to write in detail about the most significant disagreement they had with their spouse in the prior four months. Then they asked these same people to think differently about the conflict and put those new thoughts into words. In particular, these people were asked to think about the disagreement as “a neutral third party who wants the best for all involved.” In addition, the participants were asked to reflect on why it is hard to take a third-party perspective when they fight with their spouse and how they might be successful in the coming months in doing so.

MORE: How to Fight With Your Partner

One of the most maddening things about fights with our partners is that it is very hard (sometimes impossible?!) to see the fight from any perspective other than our own self-absorbed point of view. When we fight, we are often hurt and want to strike back. We want our opinions, feelings and thoughts to be known, and these wants prevent or block us from seeing the bigger picture in the disagreement. This is why a fight with your partner often feelings like a psychological trap from which there’s no escape.

MORE: How to Stop Racing Thoughts

The beauty of the writing intervention is that it encourages people to get out of their own heads and to think about the relationship as a well-intentioned bystander. Once you do so, the intervention then instructs you to take that way of thinking forward into your next fight.

The participants assigned to this writing condition then completed two more sessions of the same writing at months 16 and 20, for a total of 21 minutes of writing. The results were profound. Couples who engaged in just 21 minutes of this conflict reappraisal writing showed less of a decline in marital quality over the second year of the study. The researchers also showed that people who did the writing were less distressed by their subsequent conflicts with their spouse, and this fact maintained their marital quality at a stable level over time.

Every single person in a serious romantic relationship should know about this research. Is your relationship worth seven minutes every four months? Of course it is. You can do this work at home, it’s easy and likely fun as well. Most important: It can save your relationship. Go forth and reappraise!

The researchers first asked half the people to write in detail about the most significant disagreement they had with their spouse in the prior four months. Then they asked these same people to think differently about the conflict and put those new thoughts into words. In particular, these people were asked to think about the disagreement as “a neutral third party who wants the best for all involved.” In addition, the participants were asked to reflect on why it is hard to take a third-party perspective when they fight with their spouse and how they might be successful in the coming months in doing so.

MORE: How to Fight With Your Partner

One of the most maddening things about fights with our partners is that it is very hard (sometimes impossible?!) to see the fight from any perspective other than our own self-absorbed point of view. When we fight, we are often hurt and want to strike back. We want our opinions, feelings and thoughts to be known, and these wants prevent or block us from seeing the bigger picture in the disagreement. This is why a fight with your partner often feelings like a psychological trap from which there’s no escape.

MORE: How to Stop Racing Thoughts

The beauty of the writing intervention is that it encourages people to get out of their own heads and to think about the relationship as a well-intentioned bystander. Once you do so, the intervention then instructs you to take that way of thinking forward into your next fight.

The participants assigned to this writing condition then completed two more sessions of the same writing at months 16 and 20, for a total of 21 minutes of writing. The results were profound. Couples who engaged in just 21 minutes of this conflict reappraisal writing showed less of a decline in marital quality over the second year of the study. The researchers also showed that people who did the writing were less distressed by their subsequent conflicts with their spouse, and this fact maintained their marital quality at a stable level over time.

Every single person in a serious romantic relationship should know about this research. Is your relationship worth seven minutes every four months? Of course it is. You can do this work at home, it’s easy and likely fun as well. Most important: It can save your relationship. Go forth and reappraise!

Keep Your Relationship Exciting!

It happens to even the happiest of couples: After years together, you do the same things over and over -- right down to the takeout pizza on Friday nights. You can finish each other’s sentences and predict with absolute certainty what he’ll buy you for your birthday. But it doesn’t make for a very exciting relationship!

“Routine provides stability when life is hectic,” says Michele Marsh, a licensed psychologist with the Council for Relationships in Philadelphia. “But if couples follow too many patterns too often, the relationship can begin to feel stale and boring.”

What’s to blame for the rut? “A lack of effort and the pressures of daily life,” explains marital therapist Davnery, a marriage and family therapist who has a doctorate in social work, and the author of Magnetic Partners. “Many married couples stop doing the hard work that it takes to keep a relationship exciting. Instead, they put their energy into raising kids, running the house and succeeding in their careers.”

If you can’t recall the last time you held hands or received flowers for no reason, it may be time to kick your marriage out of the ho-hum zone. Here are five ways to help you keep your relationship exciting -- and increase your happiness and intimacy.

Get Your Groove Back First
“Some moms are so burdened with responsibilities that if someone says, ‘Try to surprise your husband,’ they’d think you were nuts,” says Marsh. Do things that energize you: Get extra rest. Go to the gym. Spend time with a friend. Go for a manicure or pedicure. Taking better care of yourself will help you devote more energy to your partner.

Revisit Your Romantic Past
Remember when you had the time and freedom for dinners out and spontaneous weekend getaways? Those romantic pleasures may be harder to come by, but you can still keep your relationship exciting by recapturing some of the emotional rush of those early days.

“Play the music you listened to when you first started dating, and return to the places where you had fun,Hold hands and lean on each other when you’re at the movies. Better yet, make out at the movies!” Parents: Don’t rule out an overnight getaway, especially if you can enlist the help of a friend or grandparent to baby-sit.

Stay Connected
Affectionate texts and emails throughout the day -- “Luv u” or “Heard your favorite song” -- are a reminder that you care. “Most couples don’t do this -- and certainly not the ones who are in ruts,” says Davnery.

Also try lightly touching your partner’s arms or hands when you’re talking. This sends the message that you want to be close and you’re still attracted to him. Notes Davnery: “No matter how long you’ve been together, everybody needs to know that they’re really wanted.”

Be Surprising
Inject some unpredictability into your lives by treating your partner to a surprise once a week -- be it a cupcake from your favorite bakery or a full night out. The surprise needn’t be big or expensive, “but it should be something you know he’ll like,” says Marsh. Research also shows that couples who learn new things as a team become more intimate, so look into a class or sport you can do together. (Zumba, anyone?)

Mix It Up
There’s nothing wrong with takeout pizza. But pizza from the same restaurant every Friday? “In the beginning, it’s good to establish a tradition you both like. But when it turns into, ‘Oh, we’re going to the same old pizza joint again,’ the meaning shifts,” says Marsh. Go for Thai food for a change, or cook at home. After all, in life and love, variety is a potent spice!