loving relatioship

Relationship Mistakes to Avoid

It is of course of utmost importance to focus in on and target areas that will grow, build and take your relationship to the next level. However, at the same time we must be aware of the mistakes that many couples make that sabotage and destroy their relationships in irreparable ways.

Here are some things you should keep in mind and be wary of if you seek to build a long, lasting and fruitful relationship:

Avoid Picking on Partner’s Faults

No one likes to be judged or picked on, especially by the person they love,  so quit picking on your partner’s faults. You are not perfect yourself, so don’t expect your partner to be perfect either. Accept them for who they are, love them because of their imperfection and cherish them for the intrinsic beauty that lies hidden behind the external appearance.

Avoid Complacency

Many relationships fail simply because the couple becomes too complacent and comfortable within the relationship. As human beings, we crave excitement and variety within our lives. Initially at the beginning stages of a relationship we experience many new feelings and also partake in activities that instigate mystery, uncertainty and unpredictability.

Once you are with someone for a while it’s easy to simply overlook the factors that initially created that spark and attraction in your relationship. If you notice that you are becoming lazy and that your relationship is becoming too predictable, realize that sooner or later one of you will have to do something to spice things up or the relationship will very likely fall apart both emotionally and physically.

Avoid Seeking Instant Gratification

It’s very easy to become addicted to having your partner around fulfilling all your deepest needs and desires. Don’t forget that even though you are within a relationship, you are still an individual entity with one beating heart and one thinking brain. Addiction to your partner may very well lead to neediness, which could make your partner feel claustrophobic within your presence. Instead practice being happy with yourself when your partner isn’t around. Moreover, practice satisfying your emotional, physical, spiritual and material cravings in constructive ways without needing your partner to be there all the time.

Finally understand that every relationship needs intimacy and closeness just as much as it requires a little separation and space. Therefore, be very careful not to become addicted.

Avoid Carrying Old Baggage

By old baggage I don’t mean old suitcases that you have been storing in your closet for years.  Instead, I mean people, emotions and thoughts that keep you in the past and prevent you from moving forward with your current relationship within the present moment. Stay true to yourself by letting go of the past and focusing wholeheartedly on your partner today.

Avoid Having Unrealistic Expectations

Get over the fact that your partner will solve your emotional problems or self-esteem issues. Your partner is human, they will help you any way they can, however you must not rely on them to assist you with every problem that confronts you on a daily basis. This is simply just too emotionally draining and will eat-away at your partner’s emotional resources. You must understand that they are also dealing with their own personal problems at home, work, and anywhere else they transition through life. Yes, support each other, and be there when your partner needs you most, however do not hold onto unrealistic expectations that this relationship will bring you perfect happiness on every level of your life.

Relationships are not magic pills that you can pop at any time, they are instead support lifelines that can help make your transition through life much easier more exhilerating and fun.

Avoid Forcing Your Partner to Change

This again touches upon the idea of perfection. You are not perfect, so don’t expect your partner to be perfect either. Think back to your initial attraction and how you felt about your partner at the time. Did you nitpick at every little thing you didn’t like about them, or did you simply love them for who they were as a complete and perfect package with warts and all? Your union came together because you naturally complimented each others strengths and weaknesses. Keep this union alive by continuing to be strong where they are weak or competent where they may be inadequate. Ask yourself,

Does the world really need another clone of me?

Appreciate your partner for who they are and continue to work on maintaining that strength/weakness balance that is evident within all successful relationships.

Avoid Arguing to Win

Before you argue with your partner ask yourself

Even if I prove that my perspective is right, is it worth making my partner feel terrible about the fact that they are wrong?

Let’s all just grow up and stop acting like little children. What is right and what is wrong is irrelevant, as long as what is most important is still intact when everything is said and done. Is your opinion more important than your relationship?

Avoid Creating Negative Anchors

This is a natural outcropping of the above point. Whenever we are experiencing a powerful and intense emotional state, everything within our present environment naturally gets attached to that emotional state of being. This means that if you come home from work feeling angry and you transfer that anger onto your partner, than these emotions of anger will begin to slowly but surely anchor themselves to your partner’s presence.

For instance, the next week you might come home from work feeling on top of the world, however the moment you see your partner you begin to feel uncomfortable and angry, and you just can’t explain why? This is evidence that shows you that you have a negative anchor attached to your partner’s presence, and it is probably the biggest and most powerful destructive force on relationships in the 21st Century. To avoid this, simply separate yourself from your partner in times when you are experiencing heated emotions, and choose to be near your partner when you are feeling excitement and exhilaration.

This strategy will not only extinguish the probability of creating negative anchors, but will also create the possibility of experiencing positive relationship building anchors.

Romantic Things to Do in Relationship

Building strong fulfilling and fruitful relationships requires constant diligence, work and effort. However, this doesn’t mean that it can’t be enjoyable and fun. Spice up your relationship with a variety of unique activities and dating ideas that will keep your partner interested and leave them wanting more.

Here are just a few suggestions to get you started on the right path:

Romantic Dates

Plan ongoing weekly romantic dates with your partner to keep the sizzle in your relationship going. This could be as simple as a spa/bath night, watching the sunset or sunrise, or simply surprising them on their lunch-break at work with a picnic in the park. No matter what it is, plan to make it special, memorable and especially romantic. Also plan your dates in advance and surprise your partner with creativity and variety each and every time.

Fun Dates

Remember that dates don’t always have to be romantic. A balance of fun and romance is always essential for a healthy and long lasting relationship. Plan fun dates such as bowling, mini golf, bike riding, ice skating, playing board games, arcade games, Sony PlayStation or even X-Box games at home.

Anything that stirs up intense excitement within your partner will naturally unleash an avalanche of love hormones that will bring about ever deeper feelings of affection for you. This is exactly why amusement parks are incredibly effective, just make sure that you don’t overdo it by going on too many of those exhilarating rides at one time. One too many rides could indeed have the opposite effect, especially on a full stomach. 

Activities

If you simply don’t like the idea of planning a date, you can still spice up your relationship through daily activities or all-day outings. Go hiking with your partner within a National Park, or plan a road trip to unexpected places — simply go with your gut and see where the roads take you. Alternatively, you may find great pleasure in exercising together at the gym or park, and even simple arduous tasks and activities such as doing the laundry or washing the car together can quickly become an intensely emotional and intoxicating experience for both of you.

How to Show Your Partner “I Love You”

We all understand how important love is to the success of a growing relationship. When we are in love, it just makes sense to tell our partner how much we love them over and over again. However, did you know that you can make your partner feel the deep love you have for them in many more ways then by simply telling them “I Love You“. Here are just a few suggestions to get you started:

Do Loving Things

Triggering within your partner the exhilarating feelings of love will vary depending on their Love Strategy. Your partner’s Love Strategy is a set of unconscious rules they have ingrained into their psyche that determines how they feel in accordance to other people’s behaviors, words, gestures and actions.

Let’s begin by taking a look at a few ways you can show your partner that you love them without the “I love you” words attached.

Remember the Special Occasions

There are certain moments throughout the year that have special importance for both your partner and for the continued growth and maturity of your relationship. Remember them at all costs and celebrate them in unique, creative and romantic ways. The more memorable and romantic the experience the more indisputable proof there will be of your love and affection for your partner. All it really takes is remembering the big three annual occasions: Your partner’s birthday, your relationship’s anniversary day and valentines day.

Take the Unexpected Romantic Approach

Send your love via email, in a letter or through text messaging. You don’t have to say “I love you“, (although that wouldn’t hurt), just remind your partner that you are thinking about them, that you appreciate them, that you can’t wait to see them, and that your world is empty without them. Or, send something funny that makes them laugh and think of you. The more creative you are in your approach the more effective your message will be. Moreover, surprise your partner with sudden kisses and hugs. Again, be creative. Spice up your relationship with unpredictability, and remember, that kisses and hugs don’t always have to be the same.

Listen Attentively

We’ve already discussed the importance of communication, and listening attentively was no doubt a big aspect of that discussion. Through the act of listening you are showing your partner that you are interested in them and that you consider what they have to say as being of utmost importance. Isn’t it amazing how such a simple act can say so much about the feelings you have for the other person?

Be Forgiving

No one is perfect. People will make mistakes. You will make mistakes, and so will your partner. There are a few things that show your partner that you love them more than the simple act of forgiveness. Forgive them for their indiscretions, for their misjudgments, and for their imperfect actions. Doing this will show them how much you care, love and appreciate them despite mistakes that may or may not have been made.

Smile Lovingly

A simple genuine smile stemming from the heart without a spoken word can do more to sooth the soul than a million “I love you’s” filled with little genuine intent or emotion.

Show Your Gratitude

Say “thank you” in creative, unique and genuine ways for the little things that your partner does for you. A warmhearted “thank you” can make a heart melt and will say so much more than the words it represents.

Compliment Your Partner in the Company of Others

Giving your partner compliments when you are alone is wonderful for building appreciation and romantic affection. However, giving your partner compliments in the company of other people shows them how genuinely you respect and care for them openly within a social environment. Do this in creative and unique ways that makes other people appreciate the wonderful things you see within your partner on a daily basis.

As a rule-of-thumb, not only should you compliment your partner in a creative manner, you should also only compliment them on things that others simply would not at first notice. If for instance others see your partner as being handsome or beautiful, compliment them indirectly about how great of a husband, wife, father, mother or provider they are — this will show them beyond a shadow of a doubt how much you respect, care and value them.

Hold Hands

Hold your partner’s hand while watching TV, walking through the park or just waiting in line at the grocery store. The simple act of touching will go a long way in displaying your unwavering love and affection.

Dance Intimately

When was the last time you took the time to play your partner’s favorite song and asked them to dance intimately under the candlelight? The music that we appreciate and love has been scientifically proven to stimulate deep reservoirs of emotion from within our psyche, which can bring about powerful feelings of love and affection.

Tickle and Wrestle Each Other

Simple cheeky touching and wrestling will stimulate powerful love infested emotions within your partner’s body. This act alone shows your partner your deep love and affection.

Simple Say Nothing At All

I’m sure that at this stage you are fully comprehending and understanding that words don’t have to be spoken to show your partner that you love them. However, just in case you need a little more convincing, here are the lyrics of a well known song sang by Ronan Keating entitled “When You Say Nothing at All” from the movie Notting Hill. The lyrics of the song are very powerful and can help put into perspective what is required in order to build strong, long lasting and fruitful intimate relationships.

When You Say Nothing At All

It’s amazing how you can speak right to my heart
Without saying a word, you can light up the dark
Try as I may, I could never explain
What I hear when you don’t say a thing

The smile on your face, lets me know that you need me
There’s a truth in your eyes saying you’ll never leave me
The touch of your hand says you’ll catch me whenever I fall
You say it best, when you say nothing at all

All day long I can hear people talking out loud
But when you hold me near you drown out the crowd
Try as they may, they can never define
What’s been said between your heart and mine

Say “I Love You” in a Variety of Ways

Don’t just say “I love you“, instead say it differently, creatively and in a variety of ways. Here are a few examples to get you started:

You complete me…

You are precious…

You are my life…

I value you…

I adore you…

You inspire me…

I live for our love…

You are my strength…

I dream of you…

I appreciate you…

Me and you always…

7 Minutes to Save Your Relationship

I’ll start this month’s column with two facts of life that seem at odds. First, relationships—especially marriage and marriage-like partnerships—are good for us and good for our health. When you have a partner who supports you, encourages you, helps you be the best person you can be, and also has sex with you, this is about the most wonderful thing in the world. 

I take that back—it is the most wonderful thing in the world.

QUIZ: Are You Sexually Satisfied?

Unfortunately, the second fact is that the quality (read: satisfaction, passion, trust, intimacy, etc.) of our relationships declines over time for just about everyone. Once you fall in love with someone and create an enduring bond, that bond starts to come apart. I don’t mean to sound all doom and gloom here, but this is a well-replicated scientific finding. Even among happy couples, relationship quality declines in a systematic fashion over time.

Everyone who has a long-term partner nods their head like crazy when someone states the obvious: “Relationships require work.” If you don’t work hard to maintain the quality of your relationship, the glue keeping you together begins to weaken. Next thing you know, it’s 10 years later and you’re wondering how the hell things got so damn bad.

This second fact about relationships prompts obvious questions: What can we do to keep the passion alive? How can we prevent our relationship problems from worsening and becoming truly corrosive? One answer to this question, of course, is that you can go into therapy. This is all well and good if you have the time and the money, but what if you don’t think your problems warrant therapy? Things aren’t terrible, but they’re not that great, either. What should we do now?

MORE: Learn How to Cut Your Losses and Just Walk Away

Luckily, there’s a hot-off-the-presses new research study by Eli Finkel and colleagues at Northwestern University that gives us an excellent answer to this question. These researchers have invented a seven-minute writing intervention that stalls the natural decline of marital quality.

Here’s how their study worked. One hundred twenty married couples (married an average of 11 years at the start of the study) completed an internet survey every four months for two years. At the end of the first year, half the couples were randomly assigned to a seven-minute conflict reappraisal intervention. (Reappraisal is fancy word for thinking differently.)

The researchers first asked half the people to write in detail about the most significant disagreement they had with their spouse in the prior four months. Then they asked these same people to think differently about the conflict and put those new thoughts into words. In particular, these people were asked to think about the disagreement as “a neutral third party who wants the best for all involved.” In addition, the participants were asked to reflect on why it is hard to take a third-party perspective when they fight with their spouse and how they might be successful in the coming months in doing so.

MORE: How to Fight With Your Partner

One of the most maddening things about fights with our partners is that it is very hard (sometimes impossible?!) to see the fight from any perspective other than our own self-absorbed point of view. When we fight, we are often hurt and want to strike back. We want our opinions, feelings and thoughts to be known, and these wants prevent or block us from seeing the bigger picture in the disagreement. This is why a fight with your partner often feelings like a psychological trap from which there’s no escape.

MORE: How to Stop Racing Thoughts

The beauty of the writing intervention is that it encourages people to get out of their own heads and to think about the relationship as a well-intentioned bystander. Once you do so, the intervention then instructs you to take that way of thinking forward into your next fight.

The participants assigned to this writing condition then completed two more sessions of the same writing at months 16 and 20, for a total of 21 minutes of writing. The results were profound. Couples who engaged in just 21 minutes of this conflict reappraisal writing showed less of a decline in marital quality over the second year of the study. The researchers also showed that people who did the writing were less distressed by their subsequent conflicts with their spouse, and this fact maintained their marital quality at a stable level over time.

Every single person in a serious romantic relationship should know about this research. Is your relationship worth seven minutes every four months? Of course it is. You can do this work at home, it’s easy and likely fun as well. Most important: It can save your relationship. Go forth and reappraise!

The researchers first asked half the people to write in detail about the most significant disagreement they had with their spouse in the prior four months. Then they asked these same people to think differently about the conflict and put those new thoughts into words. In particular, these people were asked to think about the disagreement as “a neutral third party who wants the best for all involved.” In addition, the participants were asked to reflect on why it is hard to take a third-party perspective when they fight with their spouse and how they might be successful in the coming months in doing so.

MORE: How to Fight With Your Partner

One of the most maddening things about fights with our partners is that it is very hard (sometimes impossible?!) to see the fight from any perspective other than our own self-absorbed point of view. When we fight, we are often hurt and want to strike back. We want our opinions, feelings and thoughts to be known, and these wants prevent or block us from seeing the bigger picture in the disagreement. This is why a fight with your partner often feelings like a psychological trap from which there’s no escape.

MORE: How to Stop Racing Thoughts

The beauty of the writing intervention is that it encourages people to get out of their own heads and to think about the relationship as a well-intentioned bystander. Once you do so, the intervention then instructs you to take that way of thinking forward into your next fight.

The participants assigned to this writing condition then completed two more sessions of the same writing at months 16 and 20, for a total of 21 minutes of writing. The results were profound. Couples who engaged in just 21 minutes of this conflict reappraisal writing showed less of a decline in marital quality over the second year of the study. The researchers also showed that people who did the writing were less distressed by their subsequent conflicts with their spouse, and this fact maintained their marital quality at a stable level over time.

Every single person in a serious romantic relationship should know about this research. Is your relationship worth seven minutes every four months? Of course it is. You can do this work at home, it’s easy and likely fun as well. Most important: It can save your relationship. Go forth and reappraise!

Keep Your Relationship Exciting!

It happens to even the happiest of couples: After years together, you do the same things over and over -- right down to the takeout pizza on Friday nights. You can finish each other’s sentences and predict with absolute certainty what he’ll buy you for your birthday. But it doesn’t make for a very exciting relationship!

“Routine provides stability when life is hectic,” says Michele Marsh, a licensed psychologist with the Council for Relationships in Philadelphia. “But if couples follow too many patterns too often, the relationship can begin to feel stale and boring.”

What’s to blame for the rut? “A lack of effort and the pressures of daily life,” explains marital therapist Davnery, a marriage and family therapist who has a doctorate in social work, and the author of Magnetic Partners. “Many married couples stop doing the hard work that it takes to keep a relationship exciting. Instead, they put their energy into raising kids, running the house and succeeding in their careers.”

If you can’t recall the last time you held hands or received flowers for no reason, it may be time to kick your marriage out of the ho-hum zone. Here are five ways to help you keep your relationship exciting -- and increase your happiness and intimacy.

Get Your Groove Back First
“Some moms are so burdened with responsibilities that if someone says, ‘Try to surprise your husband,’ they’d think you were nuts,” says Marsh. Do things that energize you: Get extra rest. Go to the gym. Spend time with a friend. Go for a manicure or pedicure. Taking better care of yourself will help you devote more energy to your partner.

Revisit Your Romantic Past
Remember when you had the time and freedom for dinners out and spontaneous weekend getaways? Those romantic pleasures may be harder to come by, but you can still keep your relationship exciting by recapturing some of the emotional rush of those early days.

“Play the music you listened to when you first started dating, and return to the places where you had fun,Hold hands and lean on each other when you’re at the movies. Better yet, make out at the movies!” Parents: Don’t rule out an overnight getaway, especially if you can enlist the help of a friend or grandparent to baby-sit.

Stay Connected
Affectionate texts and emails throughout the day -- “Luv u” or “Heard your favorite song” -- are a reminder that you care. “Most couples don’t do this -- and certainly not the ones who are in ruts,” says Davnery.

Also try lightly touching your partner’s arms or hands when you’re talking. This sends the message that you want to be close and you’re still attracted to him. Notes Davnery: “No matter how long you’ve been together, everybody needs to know that they’re really wanted.”

Be Surprising
Inject some unpredictability into your lives by treating your partner to a surprise once a week -- be it a cupcake from your favorite bakery or a full night out. The surprise needn’t be big or expensive, “but it should be something you know he’ll like,” says Marsh. Research also shows that couples who learn new things as a team become more intimate, so look into a class or sport you can do together. (Zumba, anyone?)

Mix It Up
There’s nothing wrong with takeout pizza. But pizza from the same restaurant every Friday? “In the beginning, it’s good to establish a tradition you both like. But when it turns into, ‘Oh, we’re going to the same old pizza joint again,’ the meaning shifts,” says Marsh. Go for Thai food for a change, or cook at home. After all, in life and love, variety is a potent spice!

The Invincible Strength of True Love

In the Bible, 1 Corinthians 13, verses one to thirteen, is famous for the declaration that love is the most important thing in and beyond life. Every time I read it I am amazed by the simplicity and elegance of the message:  

1 If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. 3 If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing. 

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 

8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10 but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. 11 When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. 12 For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known. 

13 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

Love many things, for therein lies the true strength, and whosoever loves much performs much, and can accomplish much, and what is done in love is done well.

The Secret of True Love

True love never die

The secret of true love is this, the secret lies in this: that the love we speak of is what is truly understood by the Gospel. The Gospel is the good news that Christ brought on earth, so it’s a love as it is conceived in God, not on earth. It’s a love that we see being lived by the persons of the Most Holy Trinity. For example, the Father loves everyone and lets the rain fall and makes the sun rise on the good and on the bad, he loves everyone. So it’s a love that puts us in the disposition to love all our brothers and sisters, so not only our relatives, friends or the ones we like, but we have to love everyone. Therefore, during the day, in order to love them, we have to single out every person we meet.

A second requirement of this love, which does not exist on earth precisely because it comes from Heaven, is that we must be the first to love and not wait to be loved. Generally, one waits to be loved in order to love. Instead it must be like this: we must be the first to love and this is shown by Jesus, the second divine Person who became man, who died for us when we were yet sinners, which means that we certainly were not loving then.

It’s a tangible love, like that of Jesus, who gave his life. It’s not a sentimental, platonic love, but one that becomes real. It’s a love that “makes itself one” with the other, with those who suffer and those who rejoice, and participate in the suffering and helps those who suffer or participates in the joy.

If this love is practiced in the world, and the Movement lives it, … it’s the secret of the Movement. The Movement has lived it in all the nations of the world. Generally it has been reciprocated because people feel loved and get along well with us.  in their DNA, have the idea of loving and the strength to love because they are created by God who is Love. 

Any relationship that lack this understanding will always struggles. keep loving....................

10 Ways to Perk Up Your Relationship

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1: Be grateful.

Remembering to thank your partner seems simple, but gratitude may provide the everyday dose of spackle that keeps you glued together over the long haul. "Gratitude helps remind us of the good qualities in our partners," says Sara Algoe, a psychologist at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill. "It reminds people to attend to the others in their lives."
In a study of cohabitating couples, on days that one partner expressed more gratitude, the other felt more satisfied with the relationship. "We get into these routines and start taking our partners for granted," says Algoe. "But gratitude can work as a booster shot, injecting positive emotion into the relationship."
A low-quality expression of gratitude focuses on the object—"Thank you for cooking dinner, I was really hungry," explains Fredrickson. It's much better to focus on the other person: "You're such a great cook; it's so thoughtful of you to cook for me!"
"A lot of people express their appreciation in self-absorbed ways," Fredrickson says. "But when the expression of gratitude focuses on the other person, we find the other person walks around feeling better about themselves—and six months later, the relationship is stronger."

2: Poke fun at each other.

Playfulness is one of the first casualties of a busy life, says Dacher Keltner. When your life consists of nothing but working, paying bills, cleaning, and sleep, play can disappear from a relationship. "You have to keep it alive by having fun, joking around, using silly nicknames," he suggests.
You may think sincere communication is the way to handle a serious issue. But Keltner has found that couples who teased each other in the heat of a conflict felt more connected after the fact. When he staged a conflict discussion in his lab and compared couples who communicated in a direct, logical way with those who made light of the conflict, he found that couples who tease are happier and reach more peaceful resolutions.
That's because couples who can tease can use that modality to handle the tough stuff in a relationship. Even silly nicknames help turn conflicts into peaceful exchanges, Keltner says, by reminding couples to smile at each other's quirks. So if you're annoyed by a partner's long-standing habit—say, stealing the covers in the middle of the night—try teasing. Calling your partner the Blanket Monster might take the edge off your irritation while reminding your partner to share. Remember to tease in a way that's playful, not hostile; use nonverbal cues that convey you're having fun, like a silly facial expression or a change in tone.

3: Capitalize on good news.

We expect our partners to provide us with a shoulder to cry on when times are tough—but how couples behave during good times might be even more important. Partners who respond enthusiastically to each other's successes—asking questions, paying compliments, and cheering each other on—report greater relationship satisfaction over time, says Shelly Gable, a researcher at the University of California, Santa Barbara. A couple's ability to "capitalize"—that is, to celebrate each other's positive events—predicts satisfaction better than their commiseration over negative events.
When something good happens to your partner—a promotion, a compliment from a coworker, or even just a witticism that gets a big laugh—seize the opportunity to make the most of it. You don't need a major event as an excuse to break out the good china.

4: Use your illusions.

We may think putting our mates on a pedestal is unrealistic—but in fact, partners who idealize each other wind up happier. Partners in the most satisfied couples rate their mates more positively than the mates rate themselves, finds Sandra Murray, a psychologist at the University at Buffalo (SUNY) who studies positive illusions.
Similarly, when spouses perceived their partners as being nicer than their actual behavior warranted, they maintained greater long-term satisfaction than spouses who did not idealize each other as much, according to research by Paul Miller, Sylvia Niehuis, and Ted Huston at the University of Texas, Austin.
So if you value your clear-eyed judgment of others, including your partner, it may be time to ease up a little and concentrate on what you like about your mate. Looking through a soft-focus lens might help you build a genuinely rosier picture over time.

5: Find your ideal self—in your partner.

happy couples bring out the best in each other. But when partners more closely resemble each other's ideal selves, couples fare better—above and beyond the benefit to the relationship afforded by how similar you are in actuality, says Caryl Rusbult, a psychologist at the Free University of Amsterdam.
Someone who describes her ideal self as physically fit, for instance, might be happy being with a disciplined athlete; someone who longs to be more creative might thrive with an artistic partner. Rusbult calls this the "Michelangelo effect," since partners can help "sculpt" each other's best selves by affirming each other's efforts at self-improvement. The aspiring fitness buff, for example, appreciates her athletic partner's reminders to work out.
So try listing your personal goals. Then think about the qualities you like most in your partner. Chances are, there's overlap between the self you aspire to and the aspects of your partner you appreciate most. Then recruit your partner to help you improve in the domains that matter to you. You'll not only get closer to your ideal self—you'll also feel closer to your partner.

6: Notice what's new about your partner.

Letting your partner surprise you is vital to sustaining excitement in your relationship. But in order to be surprised, you first have to pay attention.
The problem is that most of us get so familiar with our partners, we stop really noticing them. "But the fact that you stopped looking doesn't mean they've stopped changing," says Harvard psychologist Ellen Langer. It's only the illusion of stability, Langer says, that leads us to conclude our partners are fixed, static entities.
"You feel like you've captured who this is in your mind, so you hold them still," says Langer. "But they're actually growing and changing all the time. Once we think we know another person so well that we don't pay attention to them anymore, the person stops being seen."
So take the time to actively notice differences: Look for five things that are different from the last time you looked. These differences can be as simple as a new necktie and as profound as a shift in spiritual beliefs. Taking the time to notice—what she calls "mindful awareness"—increases our engagement with our partner.
When non-football-fans watch a game while writing down new things they notice about the players and the stadium, they become more enthusiastic about the sport, Langer found. "You develop a passion for what you're engaged in," she says.
So become engaged with your partner. Once you begin to really pay attention, you'll be amazed by what you discover.

7: Put it in writing.

For a recent Valentine's Day, Los Angeles-based film editor Stefan Grube gave his wife Julie a journal, with the idea that the couple would take turns writing to each other. "There's something great about using a pen and paper that helps us really take the time and express our feelings," says Julie. "I cannot tell you how excited I am when I see he's replaced it on our shelf and I know there's a love letter awaiting me."
Writing has a way of shoring up romantic emotions. A University of Texas study found that when participants wrote about their relationships for 20 minutes at a time for 3 days, they were more likely to be together 3 months later. They also expressed more positive emotions in instant message conversations with each other—the writing had prompted more good feelings about the relationship. So next time you think fondly of your partner, write those thoughts down.

8: Provide support in secret.

You might think showing a stressed-out partner explicit support—like cooking special meals or running time-consuming errands—will shore up your connection. But overt social support carries a cost: Partners feel obligated, which leads to more stress, found Niall Bolger, a psychologist at Columbia University.
The most effective support was actually "invisible." When one partner claimed to be providing support the other partner did not report receiving, the other partner showed more improvement in mood than when receiving explicit support.
The lesson? Hidden acts of kindness brighten your mate's day, especially when he or she is going through a challenging time. So instead of making grand gestures, find subtle ways to make your partner's life easier: Stock the fridge with a favorite drink or straighten up a cluttered workspace. Being surreptitiously supportive is a good way to exercise your positivity muscle on a small scale.

9: Get back in touch.

Sure, having regular sex does wonders for relationship satisfaction and well-being. But for couples whose sex life is stalled, even just a little warm touch can make a difference.
A simple "listening touch" exercise, in which partners gently touch each other's neck, shoulders, and hands, increases oxytocin, a hormone that facilitates bonding, and reduces partners' blood pressure and physiological stress levels, found a team of researchers from Brigham State University and the University of Utah.
"Cultivating 'body sense' awareness on one's own and with one's partner is essential, not only for a good sexual relationship but during any close encounter," says Alan Fogel, a University of Utah psychologist who helped develop the touch intervention.
In other words, you can reap the benefits of physical closeness even when you don't have the time or energy for full-blown intimacy. Just a quick hug or backrub can boost your mood—and your connection with your mate.

10: Look after yourself.

You may think the best way to improve your relationship is to focus more on your partner, but that's not always true. Investing in your own life and happiness will pay off, too.
"If you're going through a rough patch, often the most effective thing that you can do is to lovingly remove your attention from the relationship—period," says Susan Biali, wellness coach and author of Your Prescription for Life. "Forget about what the other person is doing badly, or isn't doing, and focus on taking positive action in your own life instead."
By making your life more satisfying, you take pressure off your relationship to be your sole source of happiness. "Plus, by taking care of what you need to in your own life, you bring a more positive attitude back into the relationship," Biali says. "The other person will start to treat you differently—without you having done anything other than shift your energy into your own life." For Biali, this strategy took her relationship from "constant chaos" to happy marriage.
Whether you choose to say thanks, sneak in some invisible support, or coin a silly nickname, a little positivity goes a long way. Small gestures matter. Expensive gifts and exotic vacations are nice, but not as meaningful in the long term as simple actions like taking the time to notice a new outfit or cheer a partner's success. Positivity expands your awareness, begetting more positivity—more noticing, more engagement, more appreciation, and more trust. Little actions help build a reservoir of goodwill that will keep your relationship replenished.

Tips For Building Loving Relationships part 2

 

6. Partner, heal thyself: Don't expect your partner to fill your emotional holes, and don't try to fill theirs. Ultimately, each of us can only heal ourselves. Your partner, however, can be supportive as you work with yourself, and vice versa. In fact, living in a loving relationship is healing in and of itself. 3 Ingredients For A Healthy Relationship
7. Relish the differences between you: The differences between you and your partner are not negatives. You don't need to be with someone who shares all of your interests and views. We may sometimes fear that these differences are incompatibilities, but in fact, they're often what keeps a relationship exciting and full of good fire.

8. Ask questions: All too often, we make up our own stories or interpretations about what our partners' behavior means. For example: "She doesn't want to cuddle; she must not really love me anymore." We can never err on the side of asking too many questions, and then listen to the answers from your whole self — heart, gut, mind and body. Equally important is to hear what's not being said — the facts and feeling that you sense might be unspoken. 3 Ways Being Needy Will Ruin Your Relationships
9. Make time for your relationship: No matter who you are or what your work is, you need to nurture your relationship. Make sure you schedule time for the well-being of your relationship. That includes making "playdates" and also taking downtime together. Frequently create a sacred space together by shutting off all things technological and digital. Like a garden, the more you tend to your relationship, the more it will grow. 
10. Say the "hard things" from love: Become aware of the hard things that you're not talking about. How does that feel? No matter what you're feeling in a situation, channel the energy of your emotions so that you say what you need to say in a constructive manner.

Tips For Building Loving Relationships

 

 

 

 Tips for turning new, premarital or broken, into successful relationships.

How many of us have learned how to build loving relationships? Where did we learn? At home? At school? There is an art and science to building strong relationships. These indispensable tips were written with romantic relationships in mind, but with a little modification you can apply them to your friendships, family and even work relationships.
1. Create a safe environment where you can trust and share openly without being afraid: Don't interrupt, even if you need to put your hand over your mouth to stop yourself. Learn to fight fairly. No name calling. Don't make threats. Apologize when you know you should. If you're too angry to really listen, stop! Go into another room, take space for yourself, breathe, and "calm down." Remember: your partner is not the enemy.

More from YourTango: Dear Dad: An Open Letter to Dads on Father's Day

2. Separate the facts from the feelings: What beliefs and feelings get triggered in you during conflicts? Ask yourself: Is there something from my past that is influencing how I'm seeing the situation now? The critical question you want to ask: Is this about him or her, or is it really about me? What's the real truth? Once you're able to differentiate facts from feelings, you'll see your partner more clearly and be able to resolve conflicts from clarity. Loving Your Body, Loving Yourself
3. Connect with the different parts of yourself: Each of us is not a solo instrument. We're more like a choir or an orchestra with several voices. What is your mind saying? What is your heart saying? What is your body saying? What is your 'gut' saying? For example: My mind is saying ‘definitely leave her,' but my heart says 'I really love her.' Let these different voices or parts of you co-exist and speak to one another. In this way, you will find an answer that comes from your whole self. Mindfulness: The Art of Cultivating Resilience
4. Develop Compassion: Practice observing yourself and your partner without judging. Part of you might judge, but you don't have to identify with it. Judging closes a door. The opposite of judging is compassion. When you are compassionate, you are open, connected, and more available to dialoging respectfully with your partner. As you increasingly learn to see your partner compassionately, you will have more power to choose your response rather than just reacting.
5. Create a "we" that can house two "I's": The foundation for a thriving, growing, mutually-supportive relationship is to be separate and connected. In co-dependent relationships, each person sacrifices part of him or her self, compromising the relationship as a whole. When you are separate and connected, each individual "I" contributes to the creation of a "we" that is stronger than the sum of its parts. 

Feeling Loved

Though our lives are filled with more technology, entertainment, and connectivity than ever before, some of us still feel empty and lonely. Something is missing. It's hard to put a finger on it, but for many of us, this missing something is the safety, understanding, and the support we get from feeling loved. Feeling loved is different from being loved. When you feel loved, it makes you feel whole, accepted, and supported by another person, be they a spouse, lover, friend, family member, or work colleague. You get the sense of being valued and emotionally fulfilled, that someone gets you.  Do your relationships make you feel valued and emotionally fulfilled? Is there someone in your life who really gets you? Do people you love actually feel loved by you? Do they know that you appreciate them as they really are? If the answer to any of these questions is "no," read on to find out why your ability to thrive in life depends on feeling loved, and what you can do to find it. Why more feels like less We have more things than ever before: more possessions, more food, more contacts, and more access to information and locations around the world. But even though we have so much more, it can often still feel like less. How is that possible? Just as you can eat without being nourished and drink without quenching your thirst, you can be connected without feeling connected. You can satisfy an urge without feeling you’ve satisfied a need. You can have hundreds of friends online, instant message colleagues on the other side of the world, or order the same shirt in a dozen different colors and have it on your doorstep in days, but if you’re not making honest, face-to-face connections where you can touch, read non-verbal cues, or give undivided attention, then it’s nearly impossible to feel connected, or feel loved. Similarly, you can express caring for others and receive care yourself without getting what you really need—that sense of feeling loved. Why feeling loved is so important When we feel loved we: Feel less stressed and more relaxed. Can be ourselves knowing that we are valued for who we really are. Don't have to hide or numb our feelings. Can connect to the wisdom of our emotions and our emotional intelligence. Are better able to cope with difficult situations and recover from setbacks and losses. Feel more self-confidence and find it easier to explore new possibilities and be creative. When we don't feel loved, we struggle connecting to others Too often our loved ones don’t seem to understand or appreciate us, and this makes us feel misunderstood or unimportant to those we’re supposed to be closest to. We hear them say, “I love you,” or they give us gifts or other tokens of love, but they rarely look at us or have the time to sit down with us for any length of time. Instead of feeling deeply connected to them, we feel confused, distanced, or disconnected. Nancy did everything she could to make her children feel loved: She had natural births, breast fed them, carried them strapped against her skin, and read countless books on how to best care for their upcoming needs. But even though Nancy changed their diapers in a timely manner and fed them nutritious meals and took them to see the doctor when they were sick, her son grew up lonely without making many true friends, and her daughter often hid in her room and communicated with the world only from her computer. Nancy didn’t know where she went wrong. She imparted as much love as she thought she could, but as her life got busier and busier, she never read the signs that just because her children were loved, they didn’t feel loved, or self-confident enough to reach out to others. In order to make others feel loved we first need to experience feeling loved ourselves. When we don't know what this experience is, we are apt to offer comfort and support that, though well intended, may miss the mark. Things we do for loved ones that may not result in them feeling loved: Provide excellent physical care. Try to make them happy. Protect them from experiencing painful or disagreeable emotions. Provide intellectual stimulation. Why we need to feel loved The need to connect to others is a biological human need, similar to the need for food and water. We can't escape it; it’s hardwired into our brains. For most of human history, our survival depended on being with others to find food and shelter, protect us from predators, and to thrive intellectually. Even if we feel less dependent on others today, the need to connect still exists. No matter how much some of us might try to deny it, we hunger for that meaningful connection to others that makes us feel loved. Our instincts remain primed to: Pick up on nonverbal cues that tell us how others feel about us. Connect to faces that express caring and concern. Depend on emotional communication. Search for relationships that make us feel safe and secure. What the experience of feeling loved is like Though it was after midnight, when Linda called her friend Joan with news about her recurrence of breast cancer, Joan immediately jumped out of bed and drove to Linda’s house. When she arrived, Joan hugged Linda and quickly made them both a cup of tea. Then, sitting close—close enough to put her arms around her—she asked her friend to tell her everything about her illness, including everything she was feeling. When Frances saw the look on her husband's face, she knew Ed had experienced another discouraging day at work. No matter how hard Ed tried, he just couldn’t seem to please his boss. Frances quickly got a board game set up for the kids, and then gave Ed her undivided attention. Over the course of an hour, Frances was able to draw Ed out and patiently listen to his feelings until she saw a shift in his mood. Do you have someone you can contact in the middle of the night if you’re upset, someone who’ll not only listen to you, but will genuinely care about what you’re feeling and want to help? Would your spouse or partner want to talk to you, or would he or she just roll over and tell you to go back to sleep? Even if you live alone, do you have someone who’s there to console you when you’re down and celebrate with you when you’re excited? Do you have someone you trust and feel safe with? Feeling loved requires you to focus on what is happening in the moment between you and the other person. This is largely done through nonverbal communication or body language, such as facial expressions, eye contact, tone of voice, posture and gestures, touch, and the timing and pace of a conversation. When you can pick up on another person’s nonverbal cues, you’ll be able to tell how he or she really feels and be able to respond accordingly. The way you look, listen, move, and react to another person tells them more about how you’re feeling than words alone ever can. Connecting to someone requires eye contact when they open up to you, a hug to show empathy, a gesture that says you’re listening when they talk, and a smile that says you care. How we compensate for not feeling loved When we feel disconnected and unfulfilled, when we long to feel loved and make others feel loved, we may try to fill the void with habits and distractions that numb and distance us from our emotions. We may eat too much, drink too much, shop too much, or obsess too much. The trouble is that the reprieve these actions provide is only temporary, and by distracting ourselves like this, we end up living lives that take us further and further away from the experience of feeling loved and making others feel loved. In college, Max was a star soccer player loved by fans around the country. But after graduation and a knee operation, he stopped playing and slowly grew overweight. To make matters worse, he didn’t like his job and lived alone, and had no one to confide in. Whenever he was upset, angry, lonely, stressed, exhausted, or bored, he turned to food. Eating allowed him to momentarily feel better, but the weight he gained made him feel unattractive and less willing to reach out to make new friends. Carol couldn’t seem to get enough stuff–fancier cars and more dresses and shoes then she could ever need. Many of her friends thought she was just having fun, but in reality the shopping distracted her from her emotionally abusive husband at home who made her feel worthless. Devon's fear of insects was so intense that even in the hottest weather he insisted on keeping all his windows closed. He also repeated an elaborate ritual to check for insects every night before getting into bed. These obsessive and compulsive behaviors began when his over-protective parents began a private war using their relationship with Devon to hurt one another. We build our lives without room for feeling loved To feel loved, and to make others feel loved, takes time and the willingness to stay connected to our own feelings and the emotions of others. But modern life is often rushed and full of distractions, excitement, and temptations that divert our attention from our emotional experiences. These distractions absorb our time, attention, and energy, making it difficult to find the intimacy we need. Over-scheduling and overloading ourselves, losing ourselves in technology, and taking advantage of quick fixes that mask core problems diverts us from the slower, more absorbing task of staying connected to ourselves and others. Aspects of our disconnected world that can impact our ability to feel loved include: Quick solutions that can make complicated problems worse When dealing with health and emotional issues, we tend to look for the easiest solution rather than the best solution. Often that involves simply popping a pill—even when other, healthier options are available. When Stephen’s boss asked him to move across the country to Chicago, he left behind his family and friends and everything he knew and loved. It wasn’t long before he became lonely and depressed. To combat his depression, Stephen’s new doctor prescribed antidepressants. The medication kept Stephen’s depression at a manageable level, but at the same time the drugs lessened his motivation to go out and meet new friends or explore the city. He either sat inside his office or at home on his couch, never giving Chicago, and his new life, a chance. Joyce started taking antidepressants at her internist's suggestion when her executive job created more stress than she could bear. At the time, medication seemed like a good idea because it enabled her to continue working at the rapid pace, but two years later when Joyce became so ill she was forced to retire, she found it nearly impossible to withdraw from the medications she no longer wanted to take. Both Stephen and Joyce opted for the quickest solution when faced with a complicated problem. Lifestyle changes that improve diet, exercise, and sleep have been shown to be as effective for treating mild to moderate depression as medications, without the unpleasant side effects. But taking a pill, for many people, is quicker and simpler. When antidepressants were first developed, they were referred to as emotional straitjackets. Their purpose was to avoid hospitalization for individuals who were suicidal or homicidal. Today, antidepressants: Serve a necessary purpose for those who really need them, but if you don't need them, or no longer need them, their continued use may have unwanted consequences. Have numbing side effects that make it harder to feel emotions, even those you like such as love and joy. Numb emotions and reduce motivation, making it more difficult to make changes and take constructive action. Trying to build social lives around social networks Technology can facilitate relationships by helping us reconnect with old friends and maintain relationships with people who don't live nearby. But these forms of communication don’t utilize nonverbal communication that is essential to gaining emotional fulfillment in a relationship. Instead of paying attention to the people around us, we’re answering our cell phones, checking emails, posting on social media sites, responding to texts, watching TV, or playing video games. Spending so much time in front of screens teaches us to be spectators instead of engaging with others. Acme Products' sales team gathered for their weekly meeting. Most of the team members thought the meetings were terribly dull, and so they began bringing out their smart phones and using the time to respond to emails and surf the net. Because they were all focused on their virtual experiences rather than on connecting with each other, no one attempted to make the meetings more interesting, more interactive, or more productive. Courting stress Modern life is full of hassles, deadlines, frustrations, and demands that can overload your nervous system with stress. Overwhelming stress can: Limit your actions to fighting, fleeing, or freezing. Cause you to say and do things you later regret. Cause you to misunderstand and misread other people. Disrupt your capacity to think clearly and creatively and act appropriately. Sometimes we even court stress by making choices that increase, rather than reduce, stress. Being constantly on the go can make us feel busy, important, wanted, and needed by others. You court stress when you: Make yourself available by smart phone or computer 24 hours a day. "Relax" by watching TV or movies or by playing video games that are each increasingly louder, faster, more frightening, and more violent than the last one, making more and more demands of your nervous system. Don’t get enough sleep or exercise, or eat a balanced diet. Stress can also be made more complicated by early-life experiences that undermine our attempts to behave differently. Through therapy, Jordan discovered his trust issues came from his relationship with his mother. He knew that his wife, Lois, was unlike his mother, but when pressure built and he became overwhelmed, Jordan’s anger spilled over and poisoned their marital relationship. Liz grew up not knowing whether to expect kisses or slaps from her father. When she became a mother herself, Liz never hit her children, but she would fly into such rages that her kids feared her much as she had once feared her father. Having no time to feel loved or make others feel loved Feeling loved is a process that can’t happen when you’re thinking about something else, planning, problem solving, or otherwise absorbed in your own thoughts. It takes time to notice, understand, and respond to what you’re feeling or what another person feels. Patrick was a conscientious pediatrician who made frequent house calls on the weekends. He had a large family of his own and his youngest son, Frank, wondered why his daddy took such good care of other children but didn’t have time for him. Emotional exchanges that make you or the ones you love feel loved can only occur when you: Take time for emotional connection. Are relaxed. Are able to be emotionally present in the moment. Pay attention to the nonverbal cues that you and others send and receive. How to feel loved and make others feel loved If you're very lucky, you learn the skills for feeling loved early in infancy. Before you can speak or think, you can learn to manage stress and self-soothe. In addition, you can learn that your feelings matter because your parent or caretaker successfully responded to your emotional signals.  If you’re not part of the lucky few who learned these abilities as infants, you can still learn them in later in life by mastering two core skills: The ability to recognize and manage stress. The ability to stay connected to what you feel.