1: Be grateful.
Remembering
to thank your partner seems simple, but gratitude may provide the
everyday dose of spackle that keeps you glued together over the long
haul. "Gratitude helps remind us of the good qualities in our partners,"
says Sara Algoe, a psychologist at the University of North Carolina at
Chapel Hill. "It reminds people to attend to the others in their lives."
In
a study of cohabitating couples, on days that one partner expressed
more gratitude, the other felt more satisfied with the relationship. "We
get into these routines and start taking our partners for granted,"
says Algoe. "But gratitude can work as a booster shot, injecting
positive emotion into the relationship."
A low-quality expression
of gratitude focuses on the object—"Thank you for cooking dinner, I was
really hungry," explains Fredrickson. It's much better to focus on the
other person: "You're such a great cook; it's so thoughtful of you to
cook for me!"
"A lot of people express their appreciation in
self-absorbed ways," Fredrickson says. "But when the expression of
gratitude focuses on the other person, we find the other person walks
around feeling better about themselves—and six months later, the
relationship is stronger."
2: Poke fun at each other.
Playfulness
is one of the first casualties of a busy life, says Dacher Keltner.
When your life consists of nothing but working, paying bills, cleaning,
and
sleep,
play can disappear from a relationship. "You have to keep it alive by
having fun, joking around, using silly nicknames," he suggests.
You
may think sincere communication is the way to handle a serious issue.
But Keltner has found that couples who teased each other in the heat of a
conflict felt more connected after the fact. When he staged a conflict
discussion in his lab and compared couples who communicated in a direct,
logical way with those who made light of the conflict, he found that
couples who tease are happier and reach more peaceful resolutions.
That's
because couples who can tease can use that modality to handle the tough
stuff in a relationship. Even silly nicknames help turn conflicts into
peaceful exchanges, Keltner says, by reminding couples to smile at each
other's quirks. So if you're annoyed by a partner's long-standing
habit—say, stealing the covers in the middle of the night—try teasing.
Calling your partner the Blanket Monster might take the edge off your
irritation while reminding your partner to share. Remember to tease in a
way that's playful, not hostile; use nonverbal cues that convey you're
having fun, like a silly facial expression or a change in tone.
3: Capitalize on good news.
We
expect our partners to provide us with a shoulder to cry on when times
are tough—but how couples behave during good times might be even more
important. Partners who respond enthusiastically to each other's
successes—asking questions, paying compliments, and cheering each other
on—report greater relationship satisfaction over time, says Shelly
Gable, a researcher at the University of California, Santa Barbara. A
couple's ability to "capitalize"—that is, to celebrate each other's
positive events—predicts satisfaction better than their commiseration
over negative events.
When something good happens to your
partner—a promotion, a compliment from a coworker, or even just a
witticism that gets a big laugh—seize the opportunity to make the most
of it. You don't need a major event as an excuse to break out the good
china.
4: Use your illusions.
We may think putting our
mates on a pedestal is unrealistic—but in fact, partners who idealize
each other wind up happier. Partners in the most satisfied couples rate
their mates more positively than the mates rate themselves, finds Sandra
Murray, a psychologist at the University at Buffalo (SUNY) who studies
positive illusions.
Similarly, when spouses perceived their
partners as being nicer than their actual behavior warranted, they
maintained greater long-term satisfaction than spouses who did not
idealize each other as much, according to research by Paul Miller,
Sylvia Niehuis, and Ted Huston at the University of Texas, Austin.
So
if you value your clear-eyed judgment of others, including your
partner, it may be time to ease up a little and concentrate on what you
like about your mate. Looking through a soft-focus lens might help you
build a genuinely rosier picture over time.
5: Find your ideal self—in your partner.
happy
couples bring out the best in each other. But when partners more
closely resemble each other's ideal selves, couples fare better—above
and beyond the benefit to the relationship afforded by how similar you
are in actuality, says Caryl Rusbult, a psychologist at the Free
University of Amsterdam.
Someone who describes her ideal self as
physically fit, for instance, might be happy being with a disciplined
athlete; someone who longs to be more creative might thrive with an
artistic partner. Rusbult calls this the "Michelangelo effect," since
partners can help "sculpt" each other's best selves by affirming each
other's efforts at self-improvement. The aspiring fitness buff, for
example, appreciates her athletic partner's reminders to work out.
So
try listing your personal goals. Then think about the qualities you
like most in your partner. Chances are, there's overlap between the self
you aspire to and the aspects of your partner you appreciate most. Then
recruit your partner to help you improve in the domains that matter to
you. You'll not only get closer to your ideal self—you'll also feel
closer to your partner.
6: Notice what's new about your partner.
Letting
your partner surprise you is vital to sustaining excitement in your
relationship. But in order to be surprised, you first have to pay
attention.
The problem is that most of us get so familiar with
our partners, we stop really noticing them. "But the fact that you
stopped looking doesn't mean they've stopped changing," says Harvard
psychologist Ellen Langer. It's only the illusion of stability, Langer
says, that leads us to conclude our partners are fixed, static entities.
"You
feel like you've captured who this is in your mind, so you hold them
still," says Langer. "But they're actually growing and changing all the
time. Once we think we know another person so well that we don't pay
attention to them anymore, the person stops being seen."
So take
the time to actively notice differences: Look for five things that are
different from the last time you looked. These differences can be as
simple as a new necktie and as profound as a shift in
spiritual beliefs. Taking the time to notice—what she calls "mindful awareness"—increases our engagement with our partner.
When
non-football-fans watch a game while writing down new things they
notice about the players and the stadium, they become more enthusiastic
about the sport, Langer found. "You develop a passion for what you're
engaged in," she says.
So become engaged with your partner. Once you begin to really pay attention, you'll be amazed by what you discover.
7: Put it in writing.
For
a recent Valentine's Day, Los Angeles-based film editor Stefan Grube
gave his wife Julie a journal, with the idea that the couple would take
turns writing to each other. "There's something great about using a pen
and paper that helps us really take the time and express our feelings,"
says Julie. "I cannot tell you how excited I am when I see he's replaced
it on our shelf and I know there's a love letter awaiting me."
Writing
has a way of shoring up romantic emotions. A University of Texas study
found that when participants wrote about their relationships for 20
minutes at a time for 3 days, they were more likely to be together 3
months later. They also expressed more positive emotions in instant
message conversations with each other—the writing had prompted more good
feelings about the relationship. So next time you think fondly of your
partner, write those thoughts down.
8: Provide support in secret.
You might think showing a
stressed-out
partner explicit support—like cooking special meals or running
time-consuming errands—will shore up your connection. But overt social
support carries a cost: Partners feel obligated, which leads to more
stress, found Niall Bolger, a psychologist at Columbia University.
The
most effective support was actually "invisible." When one partner
claimed to be providing support the other partner did not report
receiving, the other partner showed more improvement in mood than when
receiving explicit support.
The lesson? Hidden acts of kindness
brighten your mate's day, especially when he or she is going through a
challenging time. So instead of making grand gestures, find subtle ways
to make your partner's life easier: Stock the fridge with a favorite
drink or straighten up a cluttered workspace. Being surreptitiously
supportive is a good way to exercise your positivity muscle on a small
scale.
9: Get back in touch.
Sure, having regular sex
does wonders for relationship satisfaction and well-being. But for
couples whose sex life is stalled, even just a little warm touch can
make a difference.
A simple "listening touch" exercise, in which partners gently touch each other's neck, shoulders, and hands, increases
oxytocin, a hormone that facilitates bonding, and reduces partners' blood pressure and physiological stress levels, found a
team of researchers from Brigham State University and the University of Utah.
"Cultivating
'body sense' awareness on one's own and with one's partner is
essential, not only for a good sexual relationship but during any close
encounter," says Alan Fogel, a University of Utah psychologist who
helped develop the touch intervention.
In other words, you can
reap the benefits of physical closeness even when you don't have the
time or energy for full-blown intimacy. Just a quick hug or backrub can
boost your mood—and your connection with your mate.
10: Look after yourself.
You
may think the best way to improve your relationship is to focus more on
your partner, but that's not always true. Investing in your own life
and
happiness will pay off, too.
"If
you're going through a rough patch, often the most effective thing that
you can do is to lovingly remove your attention from the
relationship—period," says Susan Biali, wellness coach and author of
Your Prescription for Life.
"Forget about what the other person is doing badly, or isn't doing, and
focus on taking positive action in your own life instead."
By
making your life more satisfying, you take pressure off your
relationship to be your sole source of happiness. "Plus, by taking care
of what you need to in your own life, you bring a more positive attitude
back into the relationship," Biali says. "The other person will start
to treat you differently—without you having done anything other than
shift your energy into your own life." For Biali, this strategy took her
relationship from "constant chaos" to happy
marriage.
Whether
you choose to say thanks, sneak in some invisible support, or coin a
silly nickname, a little positivity goes a long way. Small gestures
matter. Expensive gifts and exotic vacations are nice, but not as
meaningful in the long term as simple actions like taking the time to
notice a new outfit or cheer a partner's success. Positivity expands
your awareness, begetting more positivity—more noticing, more
engagement, more appreciation, and more trust. Little actions help build
a reservoir of goodwill that will keep your relationship replenished.
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